Sandwich Generation Struggles
“I’m an awful person,” I tell my husband, as the kids run upstairs to shower before bed. He puts down his phone, looking at me, waiting for more. “Today when I was at my dad’s appointment with him and they told him his bloodwork wasn’t great so he had to stay, I immediately became worried and overwhelmed by the situation. Like, immediately. I wasn’t planning on complications today. And I felt stressed about all the stuff I had waiting for me at home. It was a routine checkup and wasn’t supposed to take me away the entire day. If I had known, I would have planned differently, arranged school pick up for the kids, done errands yesterday, made sure we had leftovers for dinner…” I look away, not wanting to see the disgust that will surely surface on my husband’s face after admitting how utterly unable I am to just go with the flow, to shift gears and recognize that sometimes big things appear and take the place of the small ones. That I couldn’t recognize the things that could wait and be shifted, and the things that could not. That not everything could get done.
“Hun,” he said gently, “You did everything you could today. And that was enough. Sometimes things just happen that we can’t plan for, and you do the best you can.” But as I sat in the ER earlier that day, I found myself overcome by what the unplanned blood transfusion meant for my dad’s recovery; overcome by guilt for also worrying about everything that I now had to figure out at home. How would the kids get home from school and to practices? How would I make sure I got a meal cooked? What the hell was taking so long with the results, and what does that mean? And why were thoughts of how I would have planned the day better and still been able to “do it all” even in my head? So many questions and seemingly no good answers.
The Sandwich Generation
This guilt, sense of overwhelm and disappointment in oneself for not being able to “do it all” is not uncommon for those who find themselves in the complicated position of a parent who is also now caring for aging parents. These individuals are part of what is commonly referred to as the “sandwich generation,” which refers to “young to middle-aged adults who are simultaneously raising children and supporting their aging parents [and] about a quarter of U.S. adults (23%) are a part of the sandwich generation,” according to Mental Health America. That’s 11 million people (and counting) who care for aging parents while also raising young children or financially supporting grown children. Although finding oneself in this sandwich generation may feel isolating, clearly those in it are not alone.
More than 75% of all caregivers - whether it be for a parent, spouse, other relative, or other adult - are female, according to a recent A Place for Mom report, and although the spectrum of those requiring care is broad, “a majority of the caregivers represented do support seniors. More than 41.8 million of the represented group care for people over the age of 50,” and the care ranges from “acute conditions [which may] only require temporary care,” or “seniors with persistent disabilities…that leave them unable to care for themselves in the long term.”
Before My Type A Eyes
My dad had a kidney transplant last spring. He was on a list for years, and then one day, they called with the incredible news that they had a kidney. I remember hearing the joy in his voice when he relayed the news to me. It felt like a second chance, a new beginning. My sister, mom and I figured we could certainly manage some follow-up appointments and medications at home, and after the (successful) transplant, his nurse reviewed the number of weekly appointments needed (in Boston, about an hour away from all three of us), the number of medications needed (in the house, distributed by my mom, not a certified nurse), as well as his limited mobility and inability to drive for several months. I thought, bring it. My mom, sister and I will manage this. I viewed it as a challenging to-do list, checking off one thing at a time on the road to a full recovery. I was happy to do it for my dad.
“The plan of having an organized itinerary of who would do what when crumbled before my Type A eyes, and I was so worried about my dad, always so capable, so strong, independent and fierce. ”
But my neat little checklist often found itself having to be changed, rewritten or just thrown out altogether because despite the successful transplant, there were complications after, some caused by underlying health issues and some that were mysterious, concerning. My father spent most of the summer in the hospital, going in for a routine appointment only to be admitted, or finally making it back home only to call an ambulance a few days later. It was a nightmare. It was unstable and up in the air all the time. The plan of having an organized itinerary of who would do what when crumbled before my Type A eyes, and I was so worried about my dad, always so capable, so strong, independent and fierce.
According to Mental Health America, “dealing with complex emotions,” while in the sandwich generation is normal,, explaining that “while you may be your parent’s caregiver now you’re still their child. Experiencing the role reversal so directly can bring about a lot of big feelings. You might be experiencing anticipatory grief – anxiety, dread, or sadness as you await their passing. You may also feel a sense of loss of independence as you’re increasingly needed as a caregiver, which can bring up feelings of guilt. Anger and resentment are common, too. All of these feelings are normal when facing such challenging circumstances.”
Perfection Just Isn’t Achievable
That day of waiting in the hospital with my dad was a breaking point for me. I felt so stressed being there waiting for blood transfusions and results and someone to explain what it all meant for my dad, while simultaneously feeling so stressed about being away from home and the kids for who knew how long, everything I couldn’t get to, everywhere else I couldn’t be. I ended up feeling exhausted but also like I didn’t do anything because I couldn’t do everything. That all or nothing mentality can be a real bitch. Once again, however, I learned this is normal and to be expected in this situation. Mental Health America highlights that those in the sandwich generation can “feel like a failure,” as “it can be impossible to live up to your own standards when you have so much on your plate [and that] you might feel like you can’t be the parent you want to be to your children or the caretaker you want to be to your parent. There’s only so much you can do in a day, and perfection just isn’t achievable.”
A Messy Panini
Julia Beck, founder of It’s Working Project, an organization that focuses on caregivers in the workplace, echoes the sentiment of this situation being tougher than tough, offering that, “‘sandwich’ is an inadequate term. ‘I think of it as a panini. It’s so messy, the choices are messy, like there’s no good, right obvious choice,’ “she said. “Whatever metaphor they prefer, life can be stressful and overwhelming for adults in this situation. Try as they might, they always seem to be overlooking someone (at the very least, themselves) or something. They often have inadequate support for daily life, much less for the crises that could crop up at any moment.”
In an interview with Beck, she shared that high performing women typically don’t do a great job of slowing down in any circumstance – it’s not natural to say, “I’ll do less today” – so when we find ourselves in this messy panini, we apply the same skillset we use for everything else to tackle caretaking: we structure, we research, and we become exhausted. “Our time is a finite resource,” Beck said, “and we have to decide how to use our resources.” What can end up happening, and often does, is that when we are in our 40s and 50s, taking care of children and parents, we are burning the candle at both ends in a time during which we could use some extra time and energy for ourselves (as middle age and menopause rear their lovely heads). It often seems that the only way to survive is to remove something out of the messy panini that has become our lives, to make it all easier to digest, but everything we value is stacked inside that sandwich. So we don’t clean up the panini; rather, we let ourselves ooze out of the sides.
“We typically do not alter who we are and how we operate from circumstance to circumstance, so if checklists and charts work for us in our jobs and household duties, and if you were the new mom who found satisfaction in completing the feeding log and attending all of the baby groups you could find – then guess what? That’s probably how you will operate as caregiver as well. ”
We typically do not alter who we are and how we operate from circumstance to circumstance, so if checklists and charts work for us in our jobs and household duties, and if you were the new mom who found satisfaction in completing the feeding log and attending all of the baby groups you could find – then guess what? That’s probably how you will operate as caregiver as well. Beck herself admits that she recently began researching meal delivery systems for her 81-year-old mother to ensure that she has healthy, balanced and easily accessible options. Beck researched, created a spreadsheet and organized all of the information in the only way she knows how, in the system that has worked before in other situations. “There’s things we can control, and things we can’t,” Beck said. We can control the research and spreadsheets and organization of it all, but we can’t control how what we present is received, or what might happen despite our best efforts.
Manage the Mess and Stress Of It All
Being in this middle ground of simultaneously caring for your children and parents isn’t a straightforward checklist, with someone (usually yourself) getting the shit-end of the deal, and like Beck describes, it can feel like a messy panini, everything falling out of what was originally so carefully crafted, so precisely constructed. It’s probably best to acknowledge from the start that like most parts of life, there is no easy button, there is no physical way to “do it all.” However, just as most parts of life are messy, there are also ways to help manage the mess and stress of it all.
Mental Health America outlines some ways you can do this on their website, which include:
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are in a uniquely challenging situation, and doing the best you can looks different each day.
Pay attention to avoid thinking in the extremes. Just because you didn’t do something exactly the way you intended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth doing or that you failed.
Acknowledge all that you have done. Know that if you’ve fallen short on some things here and there, following through on the big things is what matters.
Tips for Moms Who Work Outside of the Home
Moms who work outside of the home – while caring for their children and parents – can face additional challenges. Experts emphasize in a Motherly article that even if “you might not feel totally comfortable talking with your employer about this, making even small changes in pursuit of supporting caregiving employees is still progress.” Here are some suggested ways from Motherly to make being a part of the sandwich generation less complicated while working outside of the home:
1) Be honest and upfront about your caregiving responsibilities;
2) Be mindful when planning team check-ins or other key meetings;
3) Use the resources available to you;
4) Ask for help when you need it;
5) Nominate your workplace for a caregiver-support audit.
You can find additional information on these tactics, as well as a wealth of other information, here.
Manage the Many Layers That Compose Your Sandwich
After what was an unpredictable, trying summer for my dad and my family, as the weather began to cool off, so did the direness of his medical situation. It seemed that we could all finally exhale that deep breath we had been holding in, the one that would set us free from the constant “what ifs” and “what nows,” I find myself very impressed these days with my dad and his commitment to independence, while also honoring his limitations. He drives himself into Boston now for his appointments, ensures that he takes his medications, and acknowledges when it’s time to rest. Although he is currently in a good place and there are no catastrophes on the horizon, the last nine months have shown me that life can change in an instant, and it doesn’t matter whether you are ready or Type A and strongly against anything that challenges the trusted system you have in place. But what does matter is your perspective, how these situations can put you in places - often times great places - which would not have presented themselves otherwise.
The conversations I had with my dad during our trips to Boston on a random Tuesday or Friday morning, when I would have otherwise been running through the weekday motions, are unrivaled in their uniqueness and specialness. Or the time I didn’t listen to my GPS and took the backroads home from the hospital to Quincy (backroads are not the easier route here, FYI), and we laughed about it, a lot. Or the genuine admiration I felt watching my mom, sister, husband, and brother-in-law all step up to help my dad, in any way possible. During what could be a stressful, confusing time, watching them step up helped me to try and follow suite.
Even if the urgency that we experienced last spring and summer has passed, that does not mean it’s gone forever, for my dad, my mom, my husband’s parents, or any of my loved ones, really. Long-term or short-term medical situations are most likely to resurface, not only for my family, but for most in this “sandwich generation.” You may be needed by one parent or both, with the help of your siblings or not, and you may live close to your parents or far away. There are many factors that affect the type of sandwich you are in, and although you may not be able to hand-select the ingredients, you can stack ‘em up however you choose.
Resources for the Sandwich Generation:
Mental Health America: https://mhanational.org/caregiving-and-sandwich-generation
Motherly: https://www.mother.ly/career-money/work-and-motherhood/sandwich-generation-meaning/
Care.com: https://www.care.com/c/tips-for-managing-sandwich-generation-stress/
AARP: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
Michelle Hansford is a writer, editor and proud mom of two boys, Caleb and Sam, and her dopey coonhound, Scout. She and her husband live on the South Shore, where they frequent hockey rinks, soccer fields, and baseball fields, depending on the season. In addition to being her boys’ biggest fan, Michelle enjoys exercising, reading and cooking. Michelle is also an OG Mama Beast and led Mama Beasts South before taking her workouts online. Watch for her new blog coming soon!