If It’s Not One Thing, It’s The Mother

Overcoming Challenges in Your Relationship with Your Mother Figure

As a therapist and mindfulness teacher, I’ve always been a self-growth junkie. I have a wall of self-help books in my house, and I’m continually adding to it at a pace that is faster than I can read them!

But the real dive into my own personal growth happened over a decade ago when personal issues with my own mother pushed me into the deep end of struggle.

Becoming a mother and navigating a strained/dysfunctional relationship with my own mother around the same time intensified feelings of:

• high self-expectations

• self-doubt

• self-criticism  

• endlessly seeking approval and acceptance 

Support and affirmation from my own mother during a time when I desperately needed it weren't only hard to come by, they were unavailable.

Around the dark days of this time, I was “forced” to go on my first week-long meditation retreat as it was a requirement for a graduate certificate in mindfulness studies that I was pursuing. This retreat was a turning point. It helped me come to a place where I could fully accept and grieve that I do not, and will not, have a mother who can be the loving, accepting presence that I so desperately crave and deserve in my life. AND that the next best person to meet my needs is ME.

Since then, I have fully committed to practicing and learning how to mother myself with mindfulness and self-compassion and helping other women do the same - regardless of their relationships with their mothers!

And on that note - one thing that I am VERY clear about is that I am not in the business of comparing suffering. My history and reality with my mother may be on the extreme side with two involuntarily hospitalizations, arrests, and a whole lot of pain and anguish in my family. Since supporting hundreds of women in their own journeys with their mothers, I've learned that we all have similar and shared struggles, regardless of the nuanced details of our particular situation.

So how do you know if your relationship with your mother is unhealthy?

A few things to reflect on while also keeping in mind that there is no perfect definition.

• Is your mother critical or controlling?

• Does she use manipulation and guilt?

• Can she allow, accept, or validate your feelings/emotions?

• Does she give you the passive-aggressive/silent treatment?

• Does she understand and respect boundaries?

• Does she make fun of or humiliate you?

• Does she put you in the parent role or put responsibility for her happiness/feelings on you?

• Is she checked out/disconnected from you?

When living in a family, sometimes we have no idea what is healthy or unhealthy because we don’t have anything to compare it to. We may feel uncomfortable or frustrated, but it’s what we’re used to, and we may have come to believe that “this is just how it is.”

I encourage you to reflect on the questions above, but just take a moment to ask yourself - how do I feel when I’m with my mother? Do I feel seen, loved, and supported by her?

No human is perfect, and no mother is perfect!

AND it’s important for us to clearly see our relationships and step out of denial if we have been ignoring or enabling certain behavior for our own happiness and well-being.

If your relationship with your mother falls into the “unhealthy” bucket, first, know that you are not alone!

I started to understand this “behind closed doors” in my therapy practice after having so many conversations with women and moms about their struggles.

And now, after a decade of supporting women and talking to MANY moms in my personal and professional life, I can confidently say that there are MANY of us who would fall into this “unhealthy” relationship bucket.

So what can you do about it?

Here are five tangible ways you can get started on healing:

1. Learn about it! Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters by Karen Anderson, or Discovering the Inner Mother by Bethany Webster are great places to start.

2. Practice mindfulness. Use the lens of curiosity and kindness to explore how your relationship with your mother impacts your life.

3. Find a community. Whether it’s a group therapy program, a mom’s group, or a mom friend who relates to having a hard time with their mother (there are MANY of us!), surrounding yourself with a supportive community is a powerful way through difficult work. More on this below.

4. Mother/Parent yourself. Learn how to attune to your own needs and to mother yourself. I run different programs and groups to teach these skills, so check them out. 

5. Be gentle and have a lot of grace with yourself! 

While the above steps can get you closer to the healing your nervous system needs, it can be hard to do this work alone and even more challenging to find a community or someone who really understands. 

For these reasons, I created a small group healing program for moms struggling with their relationship with their mothers. 

If you seek support to unravel and understand your strained or non-existent relationship with your mother, and want to be surrounded by a powerful community of mothers doing the same,  check out The School of MOM’s UNTETHERED program. 

And if you are in interested in learning more, check out my series of live talks here.

Sarah Harmon is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist, mindfulness & yoga teacher, wellness expert, and founder of The School of MOM (Mothering Ourselves Mindfully) and The Parent Wellness Group. She is passionate about supporting humans on their unique wellness journey. Learn more about Sarah at www.theschoolofmom.com and www.parentwellnessgroup.com. You can also follow her on Instagram @the.schoolofmom.