Guilt — But Make It Extra
How to navigate divorced mom guilt
Every mom I know experiences feelings of guilt because of choices they’ve made. Working moms? Guilt. Stay at home moms? Guilt. Moms that “overschedule” their kids? Guilt. Moms that “under schedule” their kids? Guilt. And divorced moms? Extra guilt.
As a divorced mom of three kids, I experience the standard mom guilt plus I have the bonus feature of divorced mom guilt. This guilt is at its peak in the holiday season. Some of that can be attributed to the holidays themselves. Some may just be the stress of the season manifesting itself into other negative emotions. But I think the reason why divorced mom guilt is so bad at the holidays, is because the holidays are the time of year when we truly wish our family lives were picture perfect. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot have a Hallmark Christmas Movie picture perfect family as a divorced mom.
Having this knowledge is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing to be self-aware that my life doesn’t look as good as others on a Christmas card. I’ve tried. One Christmas I sent out cards that were from just the kids. Another Christmas I sent out cards from the kids and me. Neither one felt quite as Christmasy as the rest I’d received from your typical family. So I let go of worrying about that. I also have had to let go of my vision of being the best Thanksgiving or Christmas hostess ever. Years of watching The Food Network may never pay off. Because following my divorce, I not only was lacking the space to host a big get together (having had to downsize) but I also lost the spirit of wanting to. Alternating holidays has taken a bit of the wind out of my sails in desiring that my home be the annual destination for the family. I’d rather be a solo guest at someone else’s house than be a solo hostess. These adjustments feel okay, so when does the guilt really become an issue?
The divorced mom guilt really peaks as problematic with the ferocious determination to make up for any shortcomings. What we may lack in picture perfectness we will make up for in abundance of (unnecessary) things. I will buy tickets for the holiday shows so we can go have fun. I will volunteer at school for the parties so we have even more time together to celebrate. And possibly my worst divorced mom guilt antidote, that surprise surprise is really not an antidote, is overbuying during the holidays season for my kids.
The first Christmas I spent divorced I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I went insanely overboard (or should I say Santa did) with presents. I felt so guilty that my kids had a split holiday between their dad and me that I felt surely opening a million things would make it better. Well, it was fun while they opened presents, but then after I felt guilty (again) because now we had a whole bunch of stuff and no where to put it. As you may recall, I had to downsize my home after my divorce to a much smaller place which didn’t have any room for any extra stuff.
And yes, the smaller home is a big part of the divorced mom guilt. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to maintain the same size home you had when you’re married, your guilt may not be about the size of your home, but about the empty feeling it may have. If you did downsize like I do, you know how yucky it feels to have your kids end up with what you view as a “lesser” place. But that’s just the guilt talking, it’s not reality. Because the reality is, that no matter what size your place is post-divorce, it truly is the feeling of the home inside that is important to your children. And having a home with one parent who loves them and who makes that the priority is much better, healthier and happier than a bigger home with 2 parents whose love for their children at times is overshadowed by their marital challenges.
So how should you manage your divorced mom guilt this season? The key is to remember why you’re divorced, and remind yourself of the positive impacts that will result from the change in marital situation. Regardless of the reasons for divorce, there was a marital situation in which one or both parties did not want to be married any longer. And while Hallmark movies may be completely unrealistic, it is realistic to be an example for your children on healthy relationships. Be proud that you are not having your children live in a situation demonstrating unhealthy relationship practices.
Focus on what traditions you can maintain from your years of being married (i.e. you always watch Elf and make popcorn) and be sure to put those on the calendar. Even simple things like what your child’s favorite Thanksgiving food was can make a big difference. If you’re not going to your in-laws this year, and your child loved having a particular dessert, make sure they can have that dessert wherever you are going. And then really go hard on new traditions. It can be just you and your kids. It can involve other family members or friends. But come up with something that you can all get excited about doing this year. You do not need to spend tons of money over the holidays to create special memories. I promise you that your kids will love being with you this season in whatever new and old ways you decide. Do not let the mom guilt cast a shadow on such a beautiful time for your family.
Suzanne Thelen is a mother of 3 and the Founder of Divorce Squad. After going through a divorce that was overwhelming, Suzanne knew the process could be better managed if a supportive group of professionals was easily accessible. Divorce Squad was created to serve that need. Divorce Squad connects divorcing women to professionals who can help navigate the divorce process, and beyond. These professionals include real estate agents, lenders, insurance professionals, financial advisors, estate planners, coaches, tax professionals, health/wellness professionals, divorce attorneys and mediators as well as lifestyle improvement professionals.
Suzanne is dedicated to ensuring women are informed about the divorce process, in order to make choices that will best help them (and their children) in this next chapter of their lives. She has written many articles for Divorce Squad sharing her experiences both during divorce and after.
When Suzanne isn’t working, she can be found cheering at the sidelines of her kids’ many sporting events.
