The Truth About Mom Guilt
In my work as a therapist, some of the most common phrases I hear from my clients are “I feel like I am failing as a mother and as a wife” and “I feel guilty every time I do something for myself.” I work with a wide variety of clients (from mothers with young kids to mothers who are empty nesters and navigating perimenopause and menopause), and the topic of guilt and shame is ever present, often exacerbating symptoms of anxiety and depression. Now more than ever, it’s important to address mom guilt both on personal and societal level to ensure we don’t pass down the guilt and shame we carry to our children. And so, we can feel the peace we deserve. It’s time to break the cycle!
Guilt vs shame
Before exploring the impact of guilt on women’s wellbeing, let’s first clarify what it is. Brenee Brown describes guilt as “I did something bad” aka we feel bad about something we have or have not done. Shame, on the other hand, is “I am bad” aka we feel we don’t deserve compassion, love or connection. Oftentimes, we tend to conflate the two and guilt often leads to shame. For example, if I feel guilty that my child is not in as many activities as his classmates are, overtime that guilt turns into “I am a bad mom, I don’t offer enough activities to my child.” That guilt and shame then turn into “I should sign up my child for soccer and karate and whatnot” and before I know it, I could be running around driving my child from activity to activity while not leaving any time to take care of myself and engage in other activities that are important to me. Also, if guilt morphing into shame means you’re constantly telling yourself you’re a bad mom and never get things right, it’s not surprising you may eventually experience feelings of depression or anxiety.
Why is there no such thing as dad guilt?
The phrase “mom guilt” has become a cliché but it is also very much a sad reality of the modern mom experience. Many of my clients often ask me “do you hear some of this from fathers you work with?” and my answer is “no.” Living in a patriarchal society has been a contributor to the high levels of mom guilt that I see since women typically have been the default caregivers. We often take on household chores, childcare, coordination of appointments, etc. At the same time, as we have fought for a seat at the table in higher level jobs or even just working a full-time job as our partners do, yet we are still expected to carry the mental and physical load of raising our children. As mothers we are also wired to care for and nurture those around us, so as mothers we are more prone to feeling guilty if, for example, the dishes, laundry, and groceries are not done.
In addition to societal expectations of mothers, I have also observed the negative effects social media has had on how my clients internalize guilt and shame. It’s so easy to get sucked into the online rabbit hole of how other mothers are raising their children and to compare ourselves to the stories we read online or hear from our friends or neighbors. For example, if you have chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and you see posts on social media about all the promotions your friends are getting, you may feel “less than” since there is still a stigma around mothers who choose to stay home. Or, vice versa, if you are successful in your career and you see pictures of your friends attending their children’s sport events and music performances, which you often miss due to work meetings, you may feel “less than”. So, while social media and mom groups can be a great source of support and encouragement, they can also drive guilt and shame, and in turn anxiety and depression.
“Stop “shoulding” on yourself”
The end result of walking around with mom guilt is the constant “shoulding” on ourselves. Guilt often leads to “I should be spending more time with my kids…I should be taking them to more activities on the weekends…I should be cooking a healthy meal every night…”. And my answer to those statements is always the same: “says who?!” Who is making these rules? Who knows what is best for you and your family? You do! So, the biggest shift we can make as mothers is to be aware of the “shoulds” and to pause and evaluate what is important to us as women, mothers, wives, partners and employees. And then act according to those values. This is one of the most important shifts I have seen women make to loosen up the grip guilt and shame has on their lives.
So how do we do that? Start by doing the following exercise, adapted from Russ Harris. Imagine you are 80 years old looking back on your life today. Pause, take a few deep breaths and complete these three sentences: “I spent too much time worrying about …. I did not spend enough time doing things such as …. If I could go back in time, what I’d do differently is ….”
When you get clear on what is truly important to you and you start taking values-based action, you’re no longer driven by external “shoulds,” but by an internal compass that leads to a more fulfilling life.
In addition to getting clear on your values, two other strategies that can be helpful in curbing guilt and shame are practicing mindfulness and self-compassion. Mindfulness means being aware of the present moment, without judgment or rejection, and without attachment to the current moment. Start by spending five minutes a day pausing, focusing on your breath and allowing your thoughts to come and go, without engaging with them. Over time, you will notice that this practice allows you to be present in your day-to-day activities, not get swept by “shoulds” and in turn feel less overwhelmed by guilt.
Another practice, which I utilize with all my clients, is self-compassion. When I first introduce this concept, I often hear responses such as “I don’t deserve it” or “If I am too soft on myself, I won’t achieve my goals.” Self-compassion is not about being soft or giving yourself self-pity. Self-compassion involves pausing and acknowledging what is happening in the moment for you, acknowledging that suffering and personal shortcomings are part of the human experience, and approaching that suffering with kindness vs judgment.
No one is coming to save us
Some of you may be reading this and thinking “so you are telling me I have to do even more work to feel better?” And in short – yes. Given how ingrained guilt and shame are for mothers, we can’t change things overnight. What we can do is begin to break that vicious cycle for ourselves by learning to pause, be present, engage in self-compassion and get clear on what is truly important to us. Once we can do that, we can raise our children with this new mindset as well as begin to push back on some of the societal pressures, which have reinforced the mom guilt so many of us have felt over the years. As a result, we can start living the life we want instead of the life we think we should have.
Veselina Hristova Jones, LICSW is a therapist in Wellesley, MA, specializing in anxiety, depression, and relationship issues. She’s passionate about helping women, who are trying to be 100% at everything (work, marriage, parenting), feel more grounded with who they are and identify what’s important to them vs trying to live a life they feel they are expected to live. Learn more.
