Can Anonymous Facebook Posts Save The Moms?

It’s nearly 2AM and I’m considering Venmoing a mom I’ve never met in my life so that she can have a safe place to sleep with her four kids. This is after I saw a photo posted anonymously in a local mom’s Facebook group of the four children sitting on the floor of a storage unit where they were sheltering after she fled an abusive relationship. The week before, I counted nearly a dozen anonymous posts in various groups where moms expressed concern about food insecurity. One poster requested advice for how to dodge a repo man after falling behind in car payments. Another asked how to cope with being a failure for not adequately being able to provide for her kids. 

Since Facebook launched the anonymous post feature in 2021, we’ve all seen a rise in these types of posts peppered throughout the Facebook moms groups we follow. Despite the tough economy, it’s not all financial cries for help. There are moms looking for divorce advice, or questioning if their partners are emotionally abusive. There are plenty of “I’m at the end of my rope, please tell me if it’s normal that my partner won’t help with XYZ” posts, as well as general commiseration about feelings of drowning in home and work responsibilities. “I feel like I can never get ahead,” one anonymous poster writes. “I feel like I am doing everything and still failing.”

It’s rough out there. 

If we were going by anonymous posts to gauge the state of modern motherhood – it’s not looking great. And it presents a different representation than what we typically witness when scrolling through our regular feeds of our friends. The contrast can be jarring. Smiling anniversary photo with #imarriedmybestfriend underneath an anonymous post that reads  I’m starting to wonder if my husband is a narcissist. Video of kids driving matching power wheel jeeps in a sprawling driveway.  A few swipes later: a post asking is anyone can donate a box of cake mix and perhaps some frosting so her son can have a birthday cake. A mom and her young daughters in matching Christmas dresses.  A few more swipes to another anonymous post. I know my kids need me, but lately I can’t get out of bed. Tell me I’m not a terrible mom. 

But as disjointed as it can feel, I’ve certainly seen myself in some of the anonymous posts often more than what I see in my regular feed. If social media is the canvas we paint to showcase our lives, then the anonymous posts are the specks of splintered off paint – part of the whole picture but brushed off. Don’t be surprised, however, if you feel a constant pinch in the palm of your hand.

I often wonder if there is a mom on the Meta team who told Mark Zuckerberg something along the lines of “look, we’ve scrubbed social media clean – it’s beautiful and click-worthy and aspirational, and also, the moms are onto us. Let’s throw them a bone.” Enter the anonymous posts. Something like that.

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The rise

For this story, I interviewed a dozen moms’ and parents’ private Facebook group administrators in various New England states. I asked about what they’re witnessing for usage of the anonymous post feature, and they all agreed that they have seen an uptick of anonymous posts in the last six months. What is being posted the most? Moderators report top topics being financial concerns, including food insecurity and housing issues, in addition to relationship issues, mental health issues, divorce, parenting challenges and professional recommendation requests for many of these topics. 

“People are struggling,” a moderator to a town parent group of 4K members said. “We are all having a difficult time, balancing motherhood, marriage, work, finances, and mental health. I think stress and mental health problems have increased significantly since Covid began and we’re seeing the spillover in our moms’ groups.” 

Kara Alaimo, Associate Professor of Communication at Fairleigh Dickinson University and author of Over the Influence: Why Social Media is Toxic for Women and Girls – And How We Can Take It Back, explains that anonymous posts can be a way for women to seek help for what’s truly going on in their lives. “I definitely think that since Facebook launched the anonymous post feature, we’re seeing more authentic representations of what motherhood is really like on the platform,” she said. “We all know that moms in our society face social pressure to present themselves as supermoms – people with spotless homes, thriving kids and successful careers and marriages. So I think it’s sad but true that many women feel embarrassed to post under their names admitting that this isn’t the case for them.”

A source of embarrassment but also a hard truth of 2023: financial hardships, including food insecurity. The end to pandemic-era boosts to government food aid, along with a significant rise in grocery prices (13.1% over a year), has caused many families to turn to food pantries this last year to help bridge the gap. Food bank leaders continue to report that they are serving more people in their communities than ever while using less resources. This data takes human form in many anonymous Facebook post requests. 

Trista Harvey, who started a Facebook group for moms from Western Massachusetts in 2017, said her group has created a specific resource post in response to the significant increase of anonymous posts revealing financial difficulties. 

“We’re definitely seeing an over flooding of financial troubles and food securities in the group,” she said. “Given the time of year, we’re also seeing moms that are worried about being able to provide further families this season and into the winter months. The post shares available resources in many different aspects, whether there would be food, clothing, financial help, It’s one post with all advice from community members. That way individuals could always look back if they need certain resources.” 

Moms creating and providing resources online or IRL isn’t surprising. Should it, however, be a first line of defense for so many? 

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I guess we’ll fix this, too 

There is a saying, “if you ever lose faith in humanity, watch a marathon.” I say if you ever lose faith in humanity, read the comments on an anonymous post from a mom asking other moms for help. I’ve seen it all – and I know you have, too. Moms answering the cry to anonymous heartbreaking posts with empathy, kindness and practical (sometimes professional) advice.

I’ll never forget one comment to a mom who was struggling to pay for her kid’s Christmas presents and feeling like a terrible parent. A few moms rallied together to contribute for gifts and another posted, “It looks like your kids are taken care of but can you message me your address? I want to give you a gift just for yourself. You deserve it.”

Although it may be a complete stranger hurting, she’s a mom, so she isn’t truly a stranger. She also has her heart traveling around outside her body – it’s a bond that transcends most differences and instinctively surges us into help mode. 

 “We do have posts where people talk about struggling, and I have a lot of pride that our group has really rallied together to help families in need,” an administrator of a mom’s Facebook group in the Boston area said. “Often times what happens if somebody will post and not specifically be asking for financial support, but a group will decide to join forces to help support the family.”

 Comments to anonymous posts looking at how to navigate things like divorce, child custody, mental health or employment problems can be lengthy and thorough. Often, lawyers, therapists, educators, social workers and even doctors will chime in with advice to issues prime to be sticky with red tape. It can be inspiring to see the wealth of expertise and experience lurking in mom’s Facebook groups but also – shouldn’t there be more help available out there?

Why is a sleep-deprived mom on maternity leave researching where someone can apply for emergency housing, or who may be offering advice because waits for therapists who take insurance are endless? 

“It’s a sad state of affairs that we don’t have adequate structures in place to give moms the security net they need – from paid pregnancy leave to affordable childcare and aid for moms who need help meeting basic needs like buying groceries and accessing housing,” Alaimo said. “The fact that women have to turn to other women says a lot about the failures of our government and society. Still, we all know that moms show up for other moms.”

It can be easy to feel a bit defeated when you see moms looking for support on basic needs and wondering why better structures do exist. For these moments, Alaimo recommends remembering there is power in social media. 

“So while we have to fight for these systemic changes until our society changes, I really think we should use the power of social networks to help one another,” she said. “Facebook moms’ groups and other social platforms are powerful tools for connecting women in need to others who will help them, and I think it’s one of the best ways we can all use them.”

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It starts with us

Together, Carolyn Cahill and Sarah Caracciolo have been moderating a working moms’ Facebook in Massachusetts for eight years. They agree there is a huge difference between what is shared publicly on social media and what is happening in women’s real lives.

“Social media has us all chasing perfection and many moms know that sharing your struggles leads to judgement and gossip,” Caracciolo said. “The thought of sharing your struggle publicly on social media means you will have to battle the whispers or looks of pity. That’s the sad and harsh reality. We live in a tough, judgmental world.  As much as sharing your identity with others would help cut through some of these stigmas on things like mental health, financial mistakes, and divorce, it's also the equivalent of shouting your problems from the rooftop. People just don't do that.”

But must we do the complete opposite? Instead of shouting our problems, we shout the highlights as if they are the norm. While asking for divorce lawyer recommendations or how to find a therapist for your child will never make your regular social feed, there are opportunities to provide more honest portrayals of motherhood – something that can benefit all of us. 

“We can collectively change the narrative of what motherhood is like,” Alaimo said. One way to start? Simply sharing unfiltered photos and messy real-life backgrounds.

“The more we start showing what parenting real looks likes, the more we will give other moms permission to do the same” she said. “It starts with us.”

When we reflect on our own social media content, it can be important to consider why we share what we do. Best case: we are genuinely celebrating and sharing joyful moments of our life with people we care about. Worst case: we are manufacturing, manipulating, or maximizing joyful moments to give a positive, envious perception of ourselves to people we don’t even like. And let’s be honest, how many of our posts are for the first reason?

 During a Mama Beasts event years ago, a guest speaker brought up a powerful point that I’ll never forget. She noted that when she was on vacation, she would text photos to family or friends who she knew were genuinely interested in what they were up to, andit wasn’t necessary to share to her much broader network on social media, something she had done by default for years. When she was sharing all the highlights widely, she realized she wasn’t doing it to benefit herself or others. It had become habit, and if she was being truly honest, fulfilled an urge to show off or keep up with what she was often met with on her own feed. While it’s debatable how much of a responsibility we have to consider others in our content output, I don’t think it’s debatable that most women are affected by the consumption.

Whether it’s refraining from posting things or being more real in what we post, these changes can ultimately make a difference to someone who is struggling (think of all the anonymous posts you see) and scrolling, inevitably comparing themselves and their own lives to what they’re seeing even if it’s subconscious. 

 You also have the power to follow (or unfollow) people and brands. Experts recommend paying attention to how you feel after interacting with specific content, as the goal should be to feel validated or inspired, not unworthy or jealous. Mothers particularly can have strong insecurity triggers, and we have the choice to avoid content that plays on these – and in many cases, makes money off them as well.

 Perhaps, a collective effort to embrace more authenticity in our public feeds, coupled with the influx of raw anonymous posts, will ultimately create a new social media landscape - one in which makes us all sleep a little better at night to be part of – well, of course except when the warm phone wedged in your shoulder blade wakes you. But one thing at a time.

Antoinette Hemphill is founder of Mama Beasts and just like many elder millennial moms she knows, has a complicated relationship with social media.