Mama Needs A Drink
Research shows middle-aged women are binge drinking more than ever. We explore why — and when it might be time for a gut check.
In 2017, Megan Wilcox worked overnight shifts in a busy Boston emergency room, receiving perfect reviews as an exemplary employee. She had two young sons she adored and wore a smile throughout her busy days. On nights she wasn’t working, however, she’d often drink a bottle of wine until she blacked out – a ritual that developed after a sudden divorce and would continue for three years. After spending Christmas alone drinking until she passed out, she decided she couldn’t go on like that and joined a virtual support group.
“It was in that first support group that I saw so many amazing women in the squares of Zoom,” she recalls. “I instantly felt a wave of hope come over me. I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only mom and woman dealing with this. These were successful women. Teachers, nurses, moms, business owners, yoga instructors. What someone who is struggling with alcohol looks like wasn't what it had historically been.”
With a 2023 study revealing that middle-aged woman are 60% more likely to engage in excessive drinking than their peers were some 25 years earlier, it’s likely we all know a fellow mom who has a problem with alcohol, but we also likely won’t know who due to the shame and stigma attached to this problem. Wilcox, now sober and who went out to create the SobahSistahs community, describes feeling “the worst shame, guilt, and self-loathing” when she would awake from a night of binge drinking. These dark feelings are a far cry from the light, bubbly, and pink-tinted lens of the prevalent “mommy wine culture” where women are simply blowing off steam. But is it ever truly that simple?
BOOZE BONDING
“Sharing a drink with moms “is a way of commiserating and saying this [mothering] is really hard without saying it. It’s less taboo to have a drink than to say, ‘I hate this’, or ‘I can’t manage this,’’ Solo said.”
We’ve all probably been to a mom get-together centered around having a glass (or two or three…) of wine when gathering for a monthly book club, moms’ night out at a neighborhood restaurant or even an evening yoga class. In fact, it’s probably not far off to say that most female get-togethers of a certain age center around alcohol. But why? Is this ritual to have a cushion of alcohol to socialize? Or is it just to transition into the “stress-free zone” of their day, any day, within their own homes?
Kimberly Solo, LICSW, PMH-C, a Boston-area therapist who focuses on treating women, says there is good deal of subtext going on between mothers gathering together to drink. “It can be easier for moms to say to each other, ‘I can’t wait for this drink’ than saying, ‘Ugghh, what a shitty day with my kids. I’m so burnt out’. Think about it: what would make you more comfortable during a social situation? The mom next to you asking what type of cabernet you ordered and ordering the same, or documenting how her three-year-old’s tantrums led her to the point of banging her fist against the wall, or how she cried while the kids were at school because her oldest daughter is being bullied at school? Cabernet, please.
Solo says it’s less taboo to have a drink with a fellow mother than to admit how hard parenting is, how difficult mothering is. Sharing a drink with moms “is a way of commiserating and saying this [mothering] is really hard without saying it. It’s less taboo to have a drink than to say, ‘I hate this’, or ‘I can’t manage this,’’ Solo said.
THE PINKING OF THE ALCOHOL INDUSTRY
“[We] speculate that it has to do with a variety of cultural changes happening all at once, and that the social acceptability of drinking among mothers has shifted”
Solo says she has seen a rise in alcohol use amongst the women she treats, pointing to COVID as being when there was a noticeable shift, as there were not as many outlets for relaxation available. Alcohol use has also become more mainstream and acceptable, as it is more prevalent in social media, TV shows, and just about any type of social gathering. Rachel Sayko Adams, PhD, MPH, a Research Associate Professor in the Department of Health Law, Policy and Management, Boston University School of Public Health, states that although she and other experts in the field do not know specifically why middle-aged mothers are drinking more than in previous decades, “[We] speculate that it has to do with a variety of cultural changes happening all at once, and that the social acceptability of drinking among mothers has shifted. Cultural changes include women pursuing more advanced college degrees, delaying when they have children, influences from social media and mom-wine culture, and an expansion of alcohol products targeting women such as rose wine and low-calorie alcohol seltzers (i.e., the pinking of the alcohol industry).”
Dr. Adams agrees with Solo that alcohol use amongst middle-aged women is on the rise and that there are risks involved with “mommy wine culture” stating that: “Binge drinking increases the risk for numerous consequences and development of addiction – therefore, we are very concerned about increasing rates of binge drinking in the US for middle-aged women with and without children. However, routine drinking is also potentially risky, especially if mothers are turning to alcohol use repetitively as a way of dealing with the stresses of motherhood. Drinking to deal with stress also increases risk for development of addiction.”
A QUICK FIX, AND EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
“Drinking to deal with stress” is an issue Solo often sees in her practice because alcohol can be used and viewed a “quick fix.” “Alcohol replaces other coping skills, so women don’t go for that walk or run or call a friend or do the yoga poses or watch that favorite TV show. They rely on alcohol because it’s so fast and quick and easy. And everyone else is doing it,” Solo said.
“As a mother, I believed it [drinking] was my reward at the end of a long day at home with the kids. All the other moms were doing it at the playdate and carrying their cooler of beer to the baseball game on the weekend. Why did I have the problem? How was I any different?”
Many women may find that pouring a glass of wine and feeling better just a few sips in is easier than taking a walk to clear their heads. Women view pouring a glass of wine as a signal that the tough part of their day is over and that it’s time to relax, shut their brains off. But because alcohol use is progressive, this once in a while release becomes automatic, and when we do this over and over and over, this routine drinking “replaces an opportunity to develop other skills” to cope with the stressors of life as a mother, wife, employee, daughter, sister, friend…you name it. Just like it’s easier to share a drink with a friend than it is to share your true feelings, it’s easier to de-stress at home over a drink rather than going over why you reacted a certain way to a situation earlier that day.
Kimberly Kearns, founder of the Sober in the Suburbs network, and author of On the Edge of Shattered, says that like Wilcox, her struggle with alcohol wasn’t obvious to those around her. “As a mother, I believed it [drinking] was my reward at the end of a long day at home with the kids,” she said. “All the other moms were doing it at the playdate and carrying their cooler of beer to the baseball game on the weekend. Why did I have the problem? How was I any different? I appeared to be just like everyone else I surrounded myself with, on the sidelines in the evening and nursing my hangover at the bus stop before the gym the next day.”
GUT CHECK
In addition to replacing other coping mechanisms, alcohol use also interrupts sleep, which is important to our overall well-being and can negatively impact our health on several levels. “Excessive alcohol use can interrupt sleep and trigger anxiety or depression symptoms, which can be disruptive for mothers as they juggle the challenges of parenting young children,” Dr. Adams said. “Binge or excessive drinking can also increase risk for accidents, injuries, job performance problems or conflicts with family members and friends”.
So how can you identify if you have a problem with alcohol? Although we objectively know the warning signs to look for, an issue within ourselves can still be difficult to identify, especially because many of us don’t fit that “classic alcoholic” image, which does not align with the put-together mother who works all day, takes care of her family, manages to “do it all” - except cope without the aid of alcohol. Kearns’s testimony as to why she realized that her relationship with drinking was not what she wanted may hit home for some of us more than the “classic alcoholic” story.
“Being a mother - the one thing I always found comfort in - no longer brought me joy. I was spiraling, even though on the outside looking in, I appeared to have the perfect life. I appeared to have it all together. But I did not.”
“Drinking caused me to become a shell of myself eventually,” she said. “I was unhappy and anxious all the time, by the end. I was lost, and I began to pull away from my husband and children in the years before I quit. I started to lose interest in the things that once brought me joy. I was unable to feel any type of happiness. I could only find comfort in getting ‘my buzz on,’ and I didn’t know how to have fun without a drink in hand. I had zero confidence in myself and I was terrified of my life. Being a mother - the one thing I always found comfort in - no longer brought me joy. I was spiraling, even though on the outside looking in, I appeared to have the perfect life. I appeared to have it all together. But I did not. I cared too much what people thought of me, so I couldn't admit to having an issue with drinking. I was worried about being labeled as that woman with the drinking problem.”
Solo poses the following questions to ask yourself if you’re concerned about your relationship with alcohol.
How is alcohol impacting you and others around you?
Are you prioritizing alcohol more than home duties?
Are you spending money you don’t have?
Are you not getting enough sleep because you are going out late?
What decisions are you making when you’re drinking - - are there decisions that are putting you at risk? Do you look back and feel guilt and shame over your decisions?
IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL IS NOT WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE
If when you are answering these questions, you are unhappy with your responses and (to use Solo’s phrasing), your “relationship with alcohol is not what you would like”, you may want to take a closer look at your drinking habits and perhaps even more importantly, what is triggering your desire to have that drink to begin with. Are you looking to escape a job that stresses you out (and that you would rather not discuss once you are home)? Are you avoiding confrontation with your spouse so you each have a drink to avoid what should be discussed? Or perhaps you just want some time during your day that you are doing something for yourself, ensuring that you unwind quickly and peacefully. Whatever the reason may be for the drink(s), the reason itself is not being appropriately handled, and it is certainly not being resolved, by being pushed aside. Rather, it still lurks in the background, compounded now by the issues that habitually drinking and drinking too much inevitably bring.
As Solo says, “Watch who you are following on social media,” because social media can be such an influence on how we feel. Many of us are okay with adopting “mommy wine culture” because of how much it’s normalized on social media. There are, however, other social media outlets that we can utilize if we are unhappy with our relationship with alcohol, including those fostered by Kearns, Wilcox and many others. If your gut check reveals that something is off with your relationship with alcohol, know there is support and resources out there, including the ones referenced in this article (and linked below). Women also don’t have to wait for a particular time, symptom or crisis to make a change. As Wilcox says, “It's essential to understand that you don't have to hit rock bottom to want a better life.”
Michelle Hansford is a writer, editor and proud mom of two boys, Caleb and Sam, and her dopey coonhound, Scout. She and her husband live on the South Shore, where they frequent hockey rinks, soccer fields, and baseball fields, depending on the season. In addition to being her boys’ biggest fan, Michelle enjoys exercising, reading and cooking. Michelle is also an OG Mama Beast and led Mama Beasts South before taking her workouts online. Watch for her new blog coming soon!
General Resources
Greater Boston Addiction Center
The Massachusetts Substance Abuse Hotline
Sober In Suburbs
Kimberly Kearns is charging the Sober in the Suburbs network, a sobriety social club for men and women to connect outside of Boston. She has also written a book, On the Edge of Shattered, and is a part of the podcasts, F*cking Sober: The First 90 Days and The Weekend Sober Podcast.
Sober in the Suburbs “is a group of like-minded individuals looking for ways to celebrate and enjoy life without the booze – proving that your social life doesn’t have to end just because the drinking does!”. Kearns’s group offers an inviting, non-judgmental atmosphere to foster a different way to unwind. Follow her on Instagram: @soberinthebostonsuburbs
Sobahsistahs
Megan Wilcox, CEO and Founder of SobahSistahs Sobriety and Alcohol-Free Life Coach, is celebrating three remarkable years of an alcohol-free life. She’s a Certified Holistic Health Coach, a Certified Professional Recovery Coach, a She Recovers Coach, a Certified Mindset Coach, a Certified Alcohol-Free Life Coach, a Certified Success Coach, and a Certified NLP Practitioner. For the past three years, her unwavering dedication has been to help fellow women break free from the clutches of alcohol. Follow her on Instagram: @sobahsistahs
Dr. Adams
Rachel Sayko Adams, PhD, MPH, a Research Associate Professor in the Department of Health Law, Policy and Management, Boston University School of Public Health
Further reading from Dr. Adams:
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.16262 “Cohort effects of women's mid-life binge drinking and alcohol use disorder symptoms in the United States: Impacts of changes in timing of parenthood”
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2021.107119 “Have we overlooked the influence of “wine-mom” culture on alcohol consumption among mothers?”
Kimberly Solo