The Secret World of Sleep Divorces

Months before Cameron Diaz declared couples should normalize separate bedrooms, the topic came up with a few of my friends over drinks. “It’s saved my marriage,” one friend said, proudly declaring herself “sleep divorced.” As a nurse who works overnight shifts, the schedule conflicts caused constant disturbances that weren’t good for their sleep or relationship. My other friend admitted that her husband had become a regular guest of the guest room due to his tossing and turning. She, however, had mixed feelings about the arrangement.  “I sleep better, but miss him,” she said. “I don’t want it to feel like we’re roommates.”

Couples sleeping separately isn’t uncommon. In fact, one in five couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and almost two thirds of those who do sleep separately do so every night, according to a survey by the International Housewares Association for the New York Times, admitting to such an arrangement can feel comparable to carrying around a sign that reads, “trouble in paradise.”  But is this stigma warranted? Or can you truly have it all­ (AKA hot sex and a cool pillow)?  We chatted with two experts to uncover the truth. 

A marriage problem or a societal problem?

Dr. Alex Chinks, a Boston-based clinical psychologist and clinical sexologist, says she sees couples sleeping separately for many reasons, and it doesn’t have to be a red flag. From chronic illnesses and teeth grinding to simply desiring their own space, reasons are varied and valid. “My general philosophy with couples is that ‘everything is normal’,” she said. “I had a couple who needed their own space and they had two very distinct separate rooms, like a man versus woman cave, where they decorated it exactly how they wanted it and this worked for them. If you need to have that kind of space to have a good relationship, then so be it.”

Rebecca Eudy, LMHC and AASECT certified sex therapist, says society often has a problem with sleep divorces more than the couples participating in one. Read the comments on social media from any stories about Cameron Diaz’s recent omission, and you’ll find plenty of negativity, judgement and predictions of real divorce in the future.

“The stigma of being a sleep divorced couple is very real,” she said. “When you tell a friend or family member you are not sleeping in the same bed that makes us think of a sexless, loveless or empty relationship. It implies that perhaps you are partners in life, but the sex relationship is over.”

It’s not surprising that couples may choose to keep their sleep arrangements to themselves, creating a sense of secrecy around the practice or perhaps even some shame. Ironically, both therapists agree that sleeping separately is not necessarily a red flag or indicative of a dead sex life. “I have plenty of couples who I work with who do share a bed and they haven’t had sex in years,” Eudy points out.

Let’s talk about sex

Let’s get right into it. Can our sex lives survive if we aren’t sharing a bed with our partners? Experts say yes, but be prepared to make more of an effort.

In working with couples with mismatched sex drives, Chinks wants them to understand that intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual. Finding moments to cuddle, hold each other or be vulnerable are what promotes a robust sex life. “One concern I do have with sleep divorces is that when you take out the shared bedroom bit, there might be some lost opportunity,” she said.

For example, you could be reading in bed with your partner and their hand brushes against yours and one thing leads to another. This type of moment (Chinks calls them breadcrumbs that need to be followed) can often stem from bedroom time.  “You’re going to have to fill in those gaps and make more of an effort to find those moments,” Chinks said. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Couples may have to find a new normal. My proudly sleep divorced friend shared she has just as much sex if not more through “conjugal visits” to each other’s respective rooms. Chinks agrees it’s not a matter of where sexual intimacy is happening that is important but that it is happening. “Maybe the couch becomes the new place of intimacy, kitchen table or whatever it may be,” she said.

There is also the practical element of sleep (or lack of it) impacts our lives and health. “If we are not sleeping, we are not the best versions of ourselves as we all know from having kids,” Eudy said “When you’re sleep deprived, you don’t want to work out. You don’t want to have sex. You are short with your partner and more likely to fight.” Not exactly a recipe for abundant sex. With all the noise around our relationships and sleeping situations, it can be easy to forget that sleep is meant to be a deeply personal experience (about us individually!). It’s a human need meant to be restorative and restful. What we need to ensure we achieve this can greatly vary, and it’s okay to ask for those things. However, both Chinks and Eudy agree things can get tricky when couples don’t communicate about the issues and logistics surrounding a sleep divorce.

Did I just get kicked out of my own room?

Many sleep divorces are initiated when babies or kids become part of the equation (we truly can blame them on everything, but I digress).  Couples may take turns sleeping with children or dealing with night wakings. It can be pure survival mode when anything goes, including sleeping wherever and whenever. Sometimes in the chaos, however, sleep arrangements change without much thought or discussion. “It can be an issue when there is no communication over it,” Eudy said. “When kids are in the bed and one partner is okay with it, but the other is not and the situation isn’t discussed. A partner may end up basically kicked out of bed.”

This might work if it was agreed upon as a short-term solution but if not, there is a potential for resentment or unhappiness to grow over time. If one or both partners are feeling lonely or sad about the situation and don’t have a place to talk about it is when things can escalate. “It becomes an issue when someone feels forced out without any communication and there’s no flexibility to help them get what they need,” Eudy said.

Chinks agrees that as with so many relationship issues, communication is key. “For me, it’s a red flag if one person isn’t happy with it,” she said. “Like many different relationship situations or structures, if both people aren’t on board, it’s going to fail,” she said. Bottom line is conversations should happen before something becomes the default. And if they haven’t, it’s never too late to have one.

In addition to good communication, couples can also rely on a good old honest gut check to assess their sleeping arrangements. “As a therapist, I’m always interested in: how does the relationship feel on the inside?,” Eudy said. If you are happy with this answer, then it probably doesn’t matter what room you’re sleeping in.