The Breakdown
When the Only Thing More Overwhelming than My Laundry was My Anxiety
The information herein does not and is not intended to constitute mental health, medical, or legal advice. Please contact your healthcare provider if you have specific needs, the Maternal Mental Health Hotline for on-demand support, or 911 for emergency assistance.
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When the laundry machine broke down, so did my mental health.
As a licensed clinical social worker, I don’t mean to make light of mental health issues. But since some time has passed, I am able to look at my episode of heightened anxiety and depression symptoms (from which I have suffered since youth) more lightheartedly. And I think it’s important to share, so here goes.
It started for me with a text. I had just landed in my hometown after a few days away with other women in a sunny city in which we bonded over our children, enjoyed learning about a new culture, and engaged in volunteer opportunities. I was on a high – feeling relaxed, connected, and fulfilled. Girls’ trips are good for the soul, indeed.
I was also feeling ready, as I do after every trip, to do the laundry. My family knows that as soon as we get home from some time away, Mom cleans out the suitcases and gets to cleaning the clothes. It’s a domestic duty I happily take on (don’t worry, I don’t happily take on too many others, including cooking!). For me, washing, folding, organizing the laundry is an almost therapeutic activity in which I can have some alone time and feel accomplished. I was looking forward to doing mine.
But the text from my husband said: “Welcome back. Kids and I are excited to see you. What do you want for dinner? [Told you, I don’t cook.] FYI, the washing machine is broken.”
I got a pit in my stomach. What exactly did that mean? Why was he being so casual about it? Had he done the laundry at all while I was away? Did he call to get it fixed? When would it be fixed? How much would it cost? Why was this happening? My mind started racing. I took a deep breath but I couldn’t quite calm down.
Perhaps I should have immediately recognized this domestic disrepair issue as a personal emotional trigger. After all, my job (and passion) is to assist women with identifying what caused their elevated emotions, help them notice those emotions without judgment, and collaborate with them to cultivate more emotionally regulated responses and healthy habits to cope with stress. But it can be hard to take your own advice, and professional mental health providers are people, too. Instead of guiding myself through my emotions, I tried to minimize my feelings. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. I reminded myself that I was not really the kind of mom who needed to have an orderly home in order to feel balanced (because trust me, my house is often messy). After decades of often self-inflicted high standards as a high achiever (perhaps suffering from “eldest daughter syndrome”), I had become good with good enough – or so I thought.
Over the next few weeks I struggled. It was a privileged problem to have, I certainly know, and I am very grateful that it was not worse. But the broken-down laundry machine was, of course, much more than just that. It was a symbol of feeling like I lacked control in my life – like I could never catch up on work, family, friends, chores, all the other things on the endless to-do list, especially if I couldn’t get the laundry done. It was a burden, a household task that I seemed to care more about than anyone else in my family despite everyone’s benefitting from it, and so it became my problem to address. It was a crack in the façade of appearing like I had it all together, an image I hadn’t even realized I was imposing on myself.
Ultimately, for me, it became a reminder that sometimes, things just break down. Sometimes, we may have bad luck. Sometimes, things are simply not in our control. And sometimes, we need to get additional support when we are having a hard time.
These are some lessons I learned from my tough time.
Check in with Yourself
It was like I had a dark cloud over my head in the days that followed. I was irritable with my family, snappy and easily tearful. The long calls with customer service were painful. I felt scattered and overstimulated, preoccupied with moving around my work meetings and carpool commitments to accommodate the technician’s windows of showing up (which never were totally accurate). I was frustrated with my husband, who does not work from home, for having the privilege of not being the default person to manage household tasks. I was mad at machine manufacturer and at the world for seeming to assume that women can handle it all, that they have time to deal with the home because their jobs as not as important as men’s. I had trouble sleeping because I kept spiraling about the unknown. When the phone buzzed with texts from friends I was annoyed. Didn’t they know I was too busy dealing with the laundry machine?! It was taking up so much of my time and energy, and often in irrational ways.
It may have seemed clear to an outsider, but it took me a beat to realize that my bad mood was due to the laundry machine’s breakdown and my subsequent inability to feel like my life was in order. I took a deeper look inside. What was going on for me? What did I need? What was I actually in control of in this situation? What would help me feel better that was accessible to me? Once I grounded myself by asking these questions and coming up with practical strategies – and reminding myself that worry is the illusion of control – I felt a bit better.
Connect with Your Community
For a moment, I thought I could handle it all myself. While we were waiting for the replacement parts to come (which had to be ordered, then re-ordered, installed, then re-installed, etc., etc., I won’t bore you with the maddening details), I could handwash our necessities. But after a few days, it was becoming unsustainable. The bathtub had become the hamper and it was overflowing with dirty sheets and undergarments, not to mention my filthy airport clothes and kids’ various uniforms that needed to be re-worn for the next games. Every time I looked at the large pile, the anxiety piled on internally. I needed help. I needed to lean on my community.
Fortunately (!), whenever I mentioned my washing machine was broken to other moms in my neighborhood, they immediately offered; “Come use mine.” I took two friends up on this offer. When I walked into the home of one, she said, “You’ll never believe this, but my dryer just broke.” We laughed so hard we cried (welcome tears!). Sometimes you just have to laugh, and oftentimes laughter is the best medicine! Between the two of our working machines, we made it work, and we helped each other. The other friend insisted we go for a walk during the wash cycle and talk about anything other than laundry – a wonderful way to clear my head and get fresh air and just be. They both insisted I come and go as I needed, even helped me fold, and I’ll never forget their generosity.
Be Kind
The kindness from my friends was deeply meaningful and absolutely appreciated. But I also learned to be kind to myself. I felt guilty for having such big, bad feelings because of an arguably small problem. I felt stupid, spoiled, and silly for feeling so worked up. And because of that, I felt even worse.
I eventually caught myself perpetuating this cycle and reminded myself to engage in a strategy I strongly and consistently encourage in others: self-compassion. What would I tell a friend or a client who felt overwhelmed, even if the trigger was objectively okay? “You don’t have to have it all together all the time, or ever.” I’d say that, and I’d mean it. I decided I deserved a little grace to feel my feelings.
And you do, too. Whatever may be adding to your stress or impacting your mental health, know that you are not alone. Help is available. And if you do breakdown, remember that you can always repair.
Lauren A. Tetenbaum is a writer, a mother, and a social worker specializing in supporting millennial moms and young women through life transitions. Through her counseling practice, Lauren facilitates psychoeducational groups and workshops to empower postpartum and other women in corporate settings, provides therapy in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, and contributes to media on topics like maternal mental health, gender equity, and working parenthood. Learn more about Lauren at www.TheCounseLaur.com or connect with her on Instagram (@thecounselaur) or LinkedIn.