Namaste: A Reluctant Yogi’s Journey
Kelly Guay just wasn’t the yoga type. She relied on high-impact workouts to feel in control and drown out stressful thoughts. Here, she shares her unlikely journey of becoming a yoga instructor and how it helped her recognize what she had been avoiding after suffering a tremendous loss.
I had never been the “yoga type”. I was a runner. In the exercise world, running was my identity. I also enjoyed kick boxing and Pound. I released stress through aggressive mediums. I always have. I remember my first try at a yoga class with my dad. He had a major heart attack in 1997 and ended himself up in cardiac rehab after his double bypass. He was told yoga would be good for him. So, being supportive, I volunteered to find us a class. We laughed the entire time, as neither of us could do the poses. Trying just made us laugh harder. Watching each other made us hysterical! Also, I have no doubt we both farted at one point or another. We walked out of there in agreement that yoga was just not our thing.
Over the decades since, I had always wished I enjoyed yoga. I have always believed the research that the benefits are numerous and amazing. I do not for a second doubt this. Research is out there and, if research alone isn’t enough, I have friends who love yoga as well. These friends are people I am drawn to for their smile and sense of calm. Not only do they have awesome posture, but I also noticed that I was MUCH more high strung, even on my calmer days, than these relaxed friends of mine. So, I had always wanted to be able to “get into it”. For me, I thought, it’s too slow. I could not calm my mind and think of my breath. When I stopped for a second, I could only think of the laundry, the kids' schedules, or what we were going to have for dinner. I felt guilty. I had so many thoughts. What the heck am I doing taking this time just holding these poses and focusing on breathing? I have four kids and a dog to care for! Also, breathing is involuntary! Why should I be taking the time to think about it when I don’t need to? It’s going to happen or I’m dead! Oh, but I am VERY GRATEFUL that I am breathing. I just don’t need to focus on it! It frees me up to put the focus on other things. Plus, if I don’t do those other things, then who the heck will?
When I ran, I felt in control. I could decide how quickly it’s done because I could push my speed. When I needed to take some time and go slower, I was still moving forward (literally)! If I went too slow, I got bored. I was holding onto this mentality in anything I did. I know now how this is ignorant thinking. Honestly, we all should slow down. I get it. But I am also a single mom juggling many, many balls.
Well, one of those balls would be constantly furthering my education. I had just completed a course titled “The Science of Happiness” through UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. As a personal trainer, wellness coach, and writer, the knowledge from this course now allows me the opportunity to share wonderful, fulfilling practices with the people who come to me for guidance. Ironically, some of the practices I learned about were mindfulness and meditation. Oh boy, I thought, here we go again. Now, a grade depends on me actually DOING these things! So, I put my heart in it and I tried to implement these new skills into my life. As stubborn as I am, I will admit this: by learning to listen to my breath, I now fall asleep almost instantly when peri-menopause wakes me up at night. I am no longer swirling the next days events in my brain. I am no longer looking at the clock wanting to cry because I just want to fall back asleep, but can’t. I am pushing it all away, listening to my breath, and soundly falling asleep!
When I was approached by a dear friend to see if I was interested in signing up for the 200 hour, year-long, yoga certification class, I actually agreed to think about it and ultimately said yes. I realized that if just that breathing exercise helps me sleep, which then helps me be way less of a brat the next day, then maybe I could do this too. The weekend before the course began, I took my second ever yoga class. I thought of my dad, laughing, farting, and gave it a try anyways. I figured I better since I had committed to taking the course.
Well, no miracles to report that day. I had faith though. I could not quiet my mind. I swirled plenty of non-peaceful thoughts around in my head, but not the entire time. I did try and there were a few moments of peace. Also though, I got bored, antsy, and felt guilty that I wasn’t doing some chore on my list. I vowed, however, that this would be productive in more than one way. I wanted to see firsthand if an aggressive, running, boxing, loud girl like me had hope for a little inner peace and calm. One inspiration for me, well two really, were my daughters. Both of them came with me and enjoyed the yoga immensely. I know the benefits for them as well. Children learn by what we do as parents, not by what we say. So, I had to do it. The adventure began.
The Beginning of My Journey
I was having a bit of a moody, sad morning on the first day of the yoga teacher training. On the drive there, I was hopeful that the class would give me a boost from my blah mood. As hesitant as I had been, it was interesting to learn about the philosophy behind yoga. In order to teach this calm and self-awareness to others, we must discover it for ourselves. Life had taught me already that we can do anything if we take it one day, one step at a time, but this took the belief to the next level. Listening to my amazing yogi, friend, and instructor, and seeing her enthusiasm got me excited for this next adventure in my life. Understanding that there is a philosophy of calming yourself to calm others makes perfect sense, but I had never really put that much thought into it. A lightbulb honestly went on for me. All of the people I know who teach are the most calming souls! I have always thought that they had that calm, relaxing personality and so were drawn to yoga. However, I was now seeing that it is the yoga that led them to the calm, not the other way around. It may seem simple, but this was a game changer for me.
After a few weeks, we had not done any poses yet. This surprised me. I really thought I would be doing poses for most of every class and then learning a little of the philosophy of how these yogis became so calm. I was very wrong. There is far more philosophy, thought, and culture that goes into yoga than I ever realized. Here is the thing though, it was really interesting to me! It was eye opening! It made sense too, so much sense! As I learned about the Yamas and Niyamas, ethical practices of yoga, I reflected on how it played into my own life.
The practice of yoga is more than holding our body in specific postures. Yoga is a road map for how we live our lives. The Sanskrit word “Yamas” literally is translated into the word “restraints”. The five Yamas include nonviolence, truthfulness, nonstealing, nonexcess, and nonpossessiveness. Explore this in the simplest terms and we realize these are common rules we all learn to follow as children. When we delve deeper, we learn, for example, that to not steal doesn’t merely refer to material objects. It also means that we do not interrupt people, stealing their words and thoughts or that we do not waste other people’s time either. How many times do we have an idea and we want to be heard so badly that we do not listen to the ideas and thoughts of others? In studying the Yamas, we are forced to look into our daily practices and reflect on ways we are living that will inevitably lead to unrest within ourselves and with others. We then have the choice to make changes. The Niyamas are observances. These are purity, contentment, self-discipline, self-study, and surrender. Being called to look deeper into what each of these means and being challenged to be honest and critical with ourselves is a difficult journey. I learned that this journey never ends either, so long as we are learning and growing.
The lessons I learned about myself are too numerous for anything less than a hard-cover beach read, possibly even a series! When thinking of a “stand-out” lesson for me, surrendering comes to mind. We are moms, daughters, sisters, employers, employees, and wives. We work, clean, juggle, chauffeur, act as nurse and chef, and we smile. So many times we smile when we want to scream inside. We want to run through the street, office, home asking if anyone sees us, notices all that we do, understands the pressure we feel, and if they are grateful! By learning about surrender versus control, I was able to let go of expectations. Letting go of other’s expectations means sometimes saying “no” to demands from my children that aren’t necessary when I feel I need my attention elsewhere. It also means to be nicer to myself. I am one person. So are you. Just because society has made us feel that we need to do it all to be valued doesn’t mean it’s true. Yoga taught me this my friends. This is the tip of the iceberg.
We had many cool and thoughtful homework assignments, such as one week to display courage and do something in the face of fear. That sounded overwhelming and I certainly wasn't going sky-diving (I have never had that desire anyways!), but it made me look at smaller things. I have always believed that the small things make up the big things in life. This is no different. This assignment made me take a hard look at parenting and being able to have the courage to let go and give my kids a chance to grow and shine. I think this showed the most and was the hardest in helping my oldest with the college search. When I realized she was pushing for independence, I didn’t always meet it with letting go. Yet we know the stronger we hold on, the more they push back and want to pull away. It is a difficult thing, letting go. It certainly takes courage.
It’s also exciting to see what they will accomplish, learn and become. We choose our perspective. Fear is going to be hard to overcome for all of us, but as we conquer fear, we achieve peace. When we achieve peace, the people around us eventually do as well. I began putting into practice the principles and skills I was learning. In turn, I began to dig deeper and reflect more. I used this new knowledge to create new habits. Remember yoga is more than postures? We must connect our lessons of mind, body, and spirit! Using breathing exercises helps me daily to let go in those situations I used to fight to control. As I practiced breathing and grounding (focusing on all four corners of my feet touching the Earth, for example) I became calmer. Now, when my children are trying my patience, I speak calmly, without raising my voice. My daughter sometimes says I’m being creepy! I just laugh because it makes them stop whatever they were doing out of pure confusion! How spectacular as a mom to not get high strung when your kid is being a turd, but instead to confuse them into behaving?! It is true that how we are on the inside affects everything around us, and everyone too. It’s one thing for me to speak calmly and act calmly, but it is another altogether for me to put that into action.
The Long Haul
During the year long program, I wanted to quit many times. I am not going to lie. This course added yet another thing to my already busy life. There was homework involved that I was constantly putting off. It got to be a lot. But, looking back, are any transformations easy? Has change ever been simple for anyone? The times I wanted to quit, I was being stretched in ways that challenged me and the way of life I was following. The times I wanted to quit, I was growing. I was learning. I was being blessed, even if I never would have recognized it at the time. I am so grateful that I stuck it out.
We didn't actually learn asanas, or postures, until we had spent quite a few months in the class. I couldn't keep track of what they were and I always felt like my brain was full. Then came the time to schedule teaching our community yoga class. This is a free class offered to the public which is also our practicum, making sure we can safely and effectively lead a yoga class. I had to cram learning these poses that had been swirling around in my brain for months. I began to watch yoga gurus on YouTube that I had heard about. I took their classes every single day. First for one week, then two. Somewhere between weeks two and three, something happened. They say it takes two weeks for something to become a habit. I was proof. I realized I was sleeping great. I was calm. I was living almost in a state of mind that I could only call "zen". I was shocked. I wanted to do yoga. I looked forward to it! I began to see the mind-body connection. I began to see how it helped me take off weight that had been sitting with me for a few years. (Thanks to yoga's power in lowering cortisol levels!) It helped lower my feelings of stress. Injuries I had dealt with for months seemed to just vanish. My breathing was steadier. Where I used to chase the "runner's high", I now needed the "yoga zen". I still do.
It’s For Life
As I write this, I have been teaching yoga for well over a year now. To say yoga has changed my life would be too simple. I am physically stronger than I have ever been in my adult life. I am living an active life with no stubborn injuries that just don't seem to heal. I am injury free. When something starts to bother me, I do yoga. It heals quickly. I stand taller. My posture is better. My clothes fit better. I can breathe easier. Grounding myself and breathing practices happen now when I need them as a habit. Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing. I have become so interested in learning more. The research on our chakras intrigues me, as does learning that everything is energy. Every part of us is connected and flows into the next, as does every area of our lives. As a wellness coach, this information is crucial in truly helping my clients to live their best lives. Yoga has helped me professionally, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Yoga has helped me socially by making new friends and connecting with others. It has opened me up to being confident to walk my own path and non-judgement towards others, allowing them to walk theirs.
Just over two years after embarking on this yoga journey, I can honestly say it changed me for the better. I have gone from laughing about yoga to having it be my answer to everything. "Mom, my back is bothering me today." DO YOGA. "I slept like crap last night. " DO YOGA TONIGHT BEFORE BED. "My allergies are acting up." THERE'S YOGA FOR THAT. "I am feeling overwhelmed by life." DO YOGA. "I seem to have brain fog lately." DO YOGA. And the list goes on... My kids roll their eyes now when I try to tell them how they would benefit from regular yoga. I see my old self in people all the time who don't do yoga and say 'it's just not for them'. I feel like I am one of the lucky ones who gets to belong to a secret society, a world where calm and peace and love really is the way. It may sound romanticized or even crazy, but how do you know if you haven't tried it yet? Is there anything to lose by incorporating yoga into your life?
I learned that when our brains are having trouble slowing down, when we go-go-go and cannot stop, it's usually because we are avoiding something. There is something going on inside of us that is difficult to acknowledge. There is something we don't want to face. Most of the time we might not ever realize we are practicing avoidance. We all experience situations that cause us stress in one way or another each day. When we fill our lives with constantly being on the go, those stresses build up inside until we eventually burn out. We tell ourselves that we don’t have time to dwell on something because we need to tackle the next task.
I realized by being on the go, I was doing a great job of avoiding the feelings of loneliness (most of the time) that came from being a widowed, single mom. Inevitably, the times would come when I couldn’t escape those feelings. Yoga helped me to discover who I am, without a partner. Yoga showed me the incredible human looking back at me in the mirror. By teaching me to have faith in the journey and in myself I became whole. I still have all of the human feelings and emotions (because I’m human). Now, I handle them in a way that makes me content and I would never want to go back to having it any other way. We need to learn to accept who we are and how we feel.
I'm not sure who said it, but one of my favorite quotes is, “The only way out is through”. It isn't easy, but healing is critical to a fulfilled and purposeful life. A yoga journey is called a journey for a reason. Wherever you begin on your yoga journey, I urge you to just begin. I look forward to hearing your story one day soon. I know that you too will see a transformation. I went from high strung, running, never sit still, I'm not doing this hippie crap, that's not for me mentality to becoming hooked on the feeling of peace and true joy that was able to shine through when I finally let go and let the healing take place.
Kelly Guay, founder of Breakwater Advantage, is, a Holistic Wellness Coach, Resiliency Coach, Certified Personal Trainer & Nutrition Coach, Yoga Practitioner, Group Fitness Instructor, Author, & Motivational Speaker. She is committed to promoting good health, overall wellness, positivity and spreading hope! Learn more.
