Bigger Kids, Bigger Problems
How to prioritize your mental health during the later years of parenting
In recent years, we have seen an increased awareness around perinatal mental health and the dramatic transition to motherhood. It’s even been coined as “matrescence, a term born in the 70’s from medical anthropologist Dana Raphael to describe the process of becoming a mother. It is incredibly helpful, and even can be life-saving, to increase our understanding of this time in one’s parenthood journey. But what about the rest of it?
What happens to parents as our babies become toddlers, who then start kindergarten, and in the blink of an eye are navigating the social landscape of 6th grade? How do we deal when the physical challenges and sheer exhaustion from babies and young kids lightens, but the mental game heats u?p Let’s explore.
I called upon some trusted and in-the-thick-of-it mom friends who are navigating those in-between years as we speak (raising a combined five kids, ranging from 12-17 years in age). These moms are in their early 40’s and live in the Boston suburbs. And they generously offered time to answer my questions.
Q: Any advice for parents not yet in the teen/tween years of parenting?
A: I feel like acceptance is key. Don't make any broad statements - ie: my kid will never____. You just don't know. Don't fight who they are and the process of becoming. Prioritize connection over just about everything.
A: Keep listening and asking questions. Stay up late and expect the good convos to help them. Start saving money for Dairy Queen and Starbucks, those will be your favorite errands (and theirs too).
The theme of connection comes through loud and clear with these two answers. As a mom of younger kids, I appreciate the concept of keeping things as basic as possible: connect with your kids.
Q: How has your own mental health evolved in your parenting journey?
A: I am having a really hard time witnessing them face challenges and disappointing situations. I carry their emotions so deeply, and it feels like such a heavy load.
A: A lot came to light during these teen years that wasn’t as present for me during the younger years - my own relationship with my parents being the hardest - and now having to navigate my healing while being so aware of my kid’s experience and my worry that my baggage will screw them up.
I really appreciate the honesty and vulnerability in these answers. The reality is parenthood is so darn hard. When we become parents, mothers in particular, our internal wiring is adjusted so that we prioritize our baby’s survival. Parenting in these tween/teen years goes directly against that protective instinct in many ways. We must let our young adults out into the world on their own. That’s the nature of their development. However, how do we acknowledge them as individuals facing the world that we know to be beautiful but also sad, hard, tough and scary?
As a therapist, I know that regulating our nervous system is a key part of parenthood. From the toddler who is crying over a tower that fell, to the 14-year-old who has been left out of a birthday party, we can help by checking our own emotions and being the “sturdy leader,” as clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says. Being a “sturdy leader” as a parent of teens might sound like, “I understand that Sam’s parents don’t have a curfew for him. I understand that’s really tough when you have to leave early. It’s important to us that you are home by ten o’clock and we are not changing that rule.” There is validation of your teen’s feelings and a caring firmness to the statement. Just as children push our limits, so do tweens and teens. Remember that you’d rather have the sturdy, capable pilot flying the plane than the one who lets the passengers take over!
Next, I asked these moms, “What surprises you most about this stage of parenting?”
A: What I thought I wanted - free time and [my kids to be] occupied- isn't what I imagined. I continue to be consumed by how to be the best parent to them. It's very lonely. You can't share all your struggles with friends because I am cognizant of my children's privacy.
A: How fun it can be, especially when it’s messy and ridiculous. I find cheese stick wrappers everywhere - laundry, car, coffee table, bedroom, in the bed sheets. It’s gross and ridiculous…but also crazy and fun.
One thing is certain - there are surprises about every stage of parenting. In these responses, I’m hearing the push-pull of being a mom, which is perhaps a parallel to what our teens are feeling! One mom said, “We protect them for so long and then it's like all bets are off, and they are exposed to everything all at once.” There is a reason the term “matrescence” is similar to the term “adolescence.” The process mothers are going through is very akin to the process of adolescence when seemingly overnight nearly everything changes. There is another transition that happens around this teen/tween motherhood stage that is reminiscent of the toddler stage when children are exploring their world just a few steps further than before AND also want their caregivers to stay close. The same is true for the teen years, although the distance and the consequences are intensified, much to the dismay of parents.
So how does a parent in this inbetween stage of parenthood take care of themselves (maybe for the first time)? There can be many approaches to this predicament, and awareness that you are looking for change or growth is a good place to start. With all that you are managing and holding at this time, it’s important to be able to listen to your own inner voice/compass/intuition as to what you need and want. I encourage my clients to find a few quiet moments and get a pen and paper. A simple prompt to consider is, “if you had a full day to yourself, what would it look like? Where would you be? What activities, if any, would happen? Who would you be with, and how would you feel?” Consider what comes up first - maybe it’s rest, play, movement, a little of everything. Processing this reaction and coming back to the prompt can be helpful. If a theme around play came up, for example, then it would be helpful to consider if that is missing in your life and how to incorporate it in realistic ways. This can certainly open a deeper process, and therapy might be a good outlet for that.
In addition to the writing reflection I suggested earlier, we do need other tools in our toolbox to navigate this transition. Consider internal and external supports to boost your own mental health. Starting from an awareness of what is working and what is not working at an internal level - food, vitamins, medication if needed, spiritual support, etc. These may need refreshing or may need to be created. Then, increasing your support circle is key - and it’s not about quantity. Make sure you have friends who are “in it” with you - especially one or two who you can be truly vulnerable with. It’s also okay if you find yourself growing apart from friends who were a significant part of your life with younger kids. It makes sense that in a new season of parenting, social circles, schedules, priorities and even parenting styles can evolve. Mom friends can often be for certain seasons of our lives.
In addition to a support system when life gets stressful with your tween/teen, also rely on some healthy coping mechanisms to stay sturdy. Exercise, hobbies, creativity and spending time outside are some ideas to carve out time for yourself. Just as your teen is living his/her own life, so can you! Alternatively, other ways of self-soothing, such as alcohol use, can have unhelpful impacts. A study from Columbia University focused on problem-drinking among 30-somethings and found that women who turned 35 between 2018 and 2019 were nearly 60 percent more likely to binge drink or report AUD symptoms than women who turned 35 between 1993 and 1997.
While you may feel trapped and alone in these struggles, perhaps surviving with minimal productive coping skills, change is always possible! We are learning right alongside our children and teens. They are still watching you and looking up to you (though they won’t admit that until they’re 30!). All the good healing and self care you do is wonderful modeling for them.
Know that you are not alone on this journey. When in doubt, go back to the basics. Connect with your teen and be available. You are doing far better than you think.
Sarah Baroud, LICSW, is a clinical social worker specializing in perinatal mental health. She has been working with children and families for more than 15 years and made the shift to focus on the perinatal population in 2021 when she opened her own private practice: Practice Makes Present, LLC. After navigating her own postpartum mental health challenges, she clearly saw the need for more services for soon-to-be and new parents. In addition to offering individual and couples therapy, Sarah is also passionate about advocating for parental needs at the systemic level. Learn more.