A Guilt Epidemic
Mom guilt is nothing new — but our 2024 guilt survey reveals it’s negatively affecting our mental health, daily lives and self-worth at alarming rates. What can we do about it and is it truly our problem to fix?
I am dripping in guilt.
Dripping.
It’s uncomfortable to be constantly sopping wet. It’s heavy — the weight of that water. It never fully drips off or dries out. And if it does, it’s quickly replaced by a passing shower or full-on guilt storm.
It’s all consuming — like a news ticker in my head, flashing different things I feel guilty about and should be doing better. I feel guilty as I type this because I just asked my youngest to put on headphones while he’s on his I-pad so I can finish this article. I feel guilty that I am working on a Saturday morning and encouraging him to rot his brain so I can do so quietly.
My mind wanders to plans for the rest of the day and I feel guilty that I don’t want to go out with friends I haven’t seen in months. As I shake off the mom guilt and friend guilt, my husband pops his head in to ask if I need anything from the store. I feel a pang of guilt as we’ve been all work and no play this last week, barely managing more than hello, goodbye and where to pick up who and when.
Text interruption. Can’t make this up. Can you please check in on nana more? I am worried about her.
It is not even 9am.
I can’t even blame it on other people. Sometimes, I create a guilt tornado in my head — literally letting one thought about what I should be doing turn into more thoughts, a relentless guilt tornado. Round and round we go. Something like this: I am in the shower and hear my son yelling in the next room. He should be in bed. This is why he’s so tired in the morning. I should be more strict about the bedtime routine. No wonder he’s a disaster in school. And I forgot to RSVP to the school event that’s tomorrow. I was so much more on top of things with the older two. I should be more involved in his school. Well, I didn’t make it to the middle school open house either. I should make more of an effort there. He’s so grumpy lately. I shouldn’t just write it off to hormones and being a teenager. I should try to talk to him more. Maybe I will take him out to lunch this weekend. God, we go out to eat too much and it’s all food that’s terrible for us. I need to be cooking more here.
I’ve been thinking about these guilt tornados and how frequently they occur, knowing I am creating a pretty toxic environment in my head — one that I believe is ultimately translating into symptoms in my body. One that is not helping my depression and anxiety. One that is probably exacerbating or even causing some of it.
I know I am not alone. In addition to creating my own guilt tornados, I also spend a lot of time assuring my friends that they have nothing to feel guilty about. A lot. Several therapists have told me that guilt can actually be okay as it’s meant to be a moral compass of sorts to help guide us. It becomes an issue when it is attached to shame. When I first heard this, I was a bit taken back. I thought about how I don’t know a version of guilt where shame is not attached to it. And I don’t know many moms (if any) who encounter guilt as an isolated or occasional experience. For me and I’d argue most women, guilt and shame co-exist as one. Regularly. I wanted to see exactly how much and about what. Enter the 2024 guilt survey.
We had 300 moms complete our guilt survey, where we asked them to share their experiences with guilt. Let’s dive into the results.
How often do moms feel guilty?
The Question: how many times a day do you feel guilty?
Survey Says:
0% said they don’t feel guilty (0!!!!)
43.1% said they feel guilty 1-2x a day
33.9% said they feel guilty 3-5x a day
17.6% said they feel guilty more than 5x a day
Our Take: Let this sink in: 300 moms and not one of them said they go a day without feeling guilt. Not one! It’s a characteristic of mothers as opposed to an occasional experience meant to serve as a moral compass. It is the modern motherhood experience. While perhaps not surprising, we have to consider what chronic guilt does to us over time and how it can color so many other parts of our life and mental health — more on that below.
What do moms feel guilty about?
The Question: What is your guilt mostly about? (my inability to do it all well, kids, marriage, parents, friends, work)
Survey Says:
46.9% said my kids.
43.5% said my inability to do everything or do everything well.
4.2% said my marriage
2.1% said work
0.8% said parents
0.8% wrote in housekeeping
0.8% wrote in putting kids over work
Our Take: It’s not surprising the top answer involves our kids. The fact that almost as many moms feel guilty about their inability do it all is important — as this is often seen as a personal flaw versus a societal one.
What are the “shoulds” we feel bad about?
The Question: Guilt is often to connected to "shoulds." We feel guilty because we "should" be doing XYZ. Please share some of your "shoulds."
Survey Says (some examples):
“Not spending enough quality time with my husband.”
“Not being fully present with my child but also not working as much as I should.”
“Not giving enough to my kids”
“Being a stay-at-home mom”
“Not being as involved in my boys school.”
“Choosing myself.”
“Not being enough for all my kids”
“Not reading enough to my child.”
“How snappy I get”
“Everything”
“Feeding my kids ultra-processed food”
“Not spending enough quality time with my son”
“Everything”
“Not working”
“Not having sex”
“Not having patience”
“Not having a healthy enough diet and making enough food from scratch for my children.”
“Yeah, everything.”
“Not having a spotless home.”
“Not calling my relatives often enough.”
“Yeah, everything.”
“Not having college savings for my kids”
“Not have instilled healthier habits in my kids”
“No checking in on my friends enough”
“Not wanting to play”
“Not going to extra stuff at work”
Does guilt affect your self-worth?
The Question: Do you feel shame attached to your guilt?
47% of moms said yes.
37.6% of moms said sometimes
15.2% of moms said no
Our Take: This means overall 84.6% of the moms surveyed experience shame with their guilt, whether sometimes or always. With this data, we’d argue for moms the guilt most often isn’t about feeling badly about a specific incident but feeling badly about ourselves. Mom guilt is most often more “I am a bad person” than “I did a bad thing.” P
The question: Is your mental health negatively impacted by guilt?
53.2% said yes.
37.6% said sometimes
9.3% said no
Our Take: We wonder if this is a “What came first: the chicken or egg?” situation. Can depression cause you to feel like you are a bad person? Sure. Can constant shaming yourself make you depressed? Yes, right? Considering the sheer amount of times a day moms feel guilty a day (and how many moms experience shame with it) we think it certainly correlates to the overall increase in mental health issues among mothers.
Final Thoughts
While we are not data scientists over here, we asked 300 real moms basic questions about guilt — and the responses were consistent and clear.
Moms are experiencing guilt at rates that feel unhealthy to us with 100% of survey participants feeling guilty at least once a day and 57% feeling guilty anywhere from 3-10x a day.
The second layer of this problem is that most moms attach shame to their guilt (86%) which affects their self-worth — and their mental health (90% said their guilt sometimes or always negatively impacts their mental health)
When you consider the issues that moms reported feeling guilty about, most are instances and situations caused by societal issues (the inability to do it all, for example) but moms are absorbing them as personal flaws.
We’d love a deeper dive/study into the guilt and mental health connection because we believe moms are becoming sick from stress that is almost always driven by guilt and shame. But this is a start, and hopefully a validating one. Want to learn more about understanding and releasing guilt (and shame) from your life. Check out this month’s The Truth About Mom Guilt.