The dark side of self-help
Can bettering yourself be a bad thing?
A few years ago, I asked a group of women I was working with to consider what they considered to be their best qualities. I followed along with them, completing the exercise myself and scribbled on a scrap of paper. I don’t remember everything I listed – but one quality vividly sticks out. “You always have a goal. Always. You are always trying to be better.” When I shared this with the group, I felt proud that this trait was an integral part of who I was. After all, it proved I was a hard worker and a motivated individual; it reflected drive. What owning this trait didn’t (immediately) reflect, however, were the intentions behind this constant quest of growth and self-improvement. This discovery came years later when I felt some of that drive disappear – a slow trickle that eventually shifted to a swirling, full-on drain.
Whether through 1:1 coaching, group fitness classes or conversations with close friends, for more than a decade, I’ve watched women challenge themselves to be better through endless methods and with various end goals. I’ve observed many who are comfortable hopping on and off the growth journey train, recognizing when a season calls them to focus on themselves more or to address a specific problem or dream. There are some (myself included) who can’t ever seem to get fully off the train. And although these trains may take different routes, the momentum behind them remains the same: self-criticism and judgment, a place deep inside that is ripe with an incessant need to achieve. I have often witnessed the quest being more about keeping up with a certain societal standard versus striving for actual individual growth that would align with authentic happiness. In the self-improvement journey, where the drive for said improvement matters deeply: it’s the difference between hurting or helping.
Sarah Harmon, a therapist and School of Mom Founder, says for women wanting to improve themselves, it’s rarely as simple as a desire to positively better themselves. “Usually, women who are driven to make changes are hyper-critical on some level and have a lot of judgment of how they currently are,” she said. “While yes, that is motivating, it can sometimes backfire or stall progress because it's rooted in unhealthy and unhelpful ways of being and doing.”
Harmon’s words reminded me of advice I often gave 1:1 clients: if you are making these changes because you hate yourself, it’s not going to work long-term. I’d witness women bounce from one program,class,challenge,or “new leaf” to another, changing the approach each time, but never actually addressing what was behind their drive to constantly change. It would often be masked behind being a “driven person” who loved to learn and grow (ahem, certain author of this article), or being a “recovering perfectionist.” (But are you, though?) “Self-improvement can be harmful when it's driven by a belief that someone is not good enough or bad as they are,” Harmon said. “And they should or have to be different to be successful, loveable, worthy, attractive, etc.”
Now, I want to clarify that I do believe work-ethic, drive and curiosity can absolutely be true motivation behind self-improvement. Personally, they were and are elements of my own journey. But like Harmon, I have rarely seen them exist as the main or sole driver for women on this journey - including for myself in earlier years. Typically, when women are on a quest to “fix” themselves, two things eventually happen: 1) they never get off the train because they’re in a situation where they’ll never reach the ultimate unattainable goal of being XYZ because the target constantly moves; or 2) they eventually hop off the train - so bruised and beaten up from the ride - that they never reboard (even though there are way better itineraries available with a safe final destination). Enough with the train metaphor? Well, we can’t only talk about the passengers. First, we need to talk about the conductors and the makers.
A self-improvement gold rush
The global self-help industry is estimated to be worth $11 billon, and more than half of Americans have purchased a self-help product at least twice. But we don’t need market stats to prove this: we can simply open our social media apps and scroll. The ads we see, the brands we follow and stories our friends share— they intentionally (and sometimes unintentionally) tell us there are better ways to be and live. There are products, services, coaches and programs ready to show us the way. We are a culture and generation of women obsessed with forward movement – we are constantly progressing, going and growing. Productivity and growth are our drugs, and technology is our dealer. You can scroll, swipe and click self-acceptance away. You can start over and wipe the slate clean, abundantly adding to the cart along the way. This easy access keeps the self-growth train rolling, simultaneously making it seemingly impossible to board the right one or disembark all together.
Kara Alaimo, PhD, Associate Professor of Communication at Fairleigh Dickinson University and author of “Over the Influence: Why Social Media is Toxic for Women and Girls - And How We Can Take It Back", says that the messages women receive regarding self-improvement can be quite different when compared to what, if anything, men are told.
“I think it’s curious that women are told we have to be constantly improving ourselves — as if we’re somehow never enough — yet this message is almost never sent to men,” she said. “In my book, I write about the backlash Gillette received for a video that suggested men not physically abuse people or allow people to be abused in their presence. Yet so many social media posts targeted to women are all about how we can keep bettering ourselves.”
In her book, Alaimo explores the negative reaction to the Gilette campaign, noting society doesn’t bat an eye when women are told to improve themselves through advertising (and usually for way more frivolous reasons than Gillette’s message). “Instead, campaigns by brands telling women what to do — or ’femvertising,’ short for ’female empowerment advertising’ — have been one of the predominant ways ’feminism’ has been represented online,” she writes. “On social media, brands keep deploying the same tactics today, trying to convince women that the path to empowerment is through products.”
And the products are endless. Self-help comes in many formats for consumers: books, podcasts, pills, exercise programs, courses, coaches, apps, memberships and wellness retreats. With the wide range and never-ending promotions, it’s important to consider why a product or service is being sold. For me, as someone was has led and marketed self-growth services and programs, I firmly believe that intention matters and that there are businesses and professionals (typically ones who don’t answer to a board, franchise or are found on Nasdaq) who want to guide and help women for the right reasons. These individuals typically promote change that does not come from a place of self-judgment or pressure of external expectations. They will also tell women that when embarking on self-improvement exercises if this work will possibly hinder and hurt them more than help. For example, I’ve told many moms over the years that the time wasn’t right for them to start training or improve their fitness in a significant way via a formal, paid program. Sometimes I believed these women needed to focus on their physical exhaustion or mental health first, or focus on replenishing their depleted selves after riding the train for all the wrong reasons. As someone who has experience working closely with women in 1:1 settings, I firmly believe that there is a responsibility to not immediately assume every person is ready to embark on a growth journey - or that you’re the right person to lead them on it. Since women’s insecurities and vulnerabilities can certainly be preyed upon within this industry, it’s often up to us to do our homework.
Alaimo cautions woman to be wary of believing self-help and self-care is completely in our control, or even our responsibility. “I think we should be wary of telling women it’s their job to practice self-care in place of the structural solutions they should be getting from our society — like reasonable expectations of work hours from their employers, access to affordable childcare and help from their partners with the emotional and physical labor it takes to keep a family afloat,” she said. “Those are the things that allow women to take care of themselves and stay healthy.”
We must also consider the reality of the results shared by self-growth gurus and companies with products to sell. A tragic example stands out to me: Author and influencer Rachel Hollis and her husband Dave grew a multi-million-dollar brand based on an intense “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” approach (which many argued to be oversimplified and flawed) and publicly attached this philosophy to their long and happy marriage. Therefore, when they eventually announced their divorce, I rolled my eyes. Three years later, the illusion crumbled further and tragically. Dave Hollis, who went on to write books about his personal growth and regularly shared these experiences on social media, died by an accidental overdose at the age of 47. He’d been battling alcohol and drug addiction, as well as depression for years.
Can self-improvement be healthy?
We’ve arrived at the million-dollar question: can self-help ever truly be healthy? Is there a smooth, measured and even enjoyable train ride available? I’d argue that there is – but only when women manage to get real about their reasoning for wanting change. If this reason is derived from shame and poor self-worth, I think women are in for an endless, painful ride – one I’ve been on myself. Harmon agrees and recommends getting clear on your why. “It's important to pause and explore what's driving the self-improvement and what the ’end goal’ is so to speak,” she said. “For example, if a mom is diligently working on herself to be the ’best she can be’, it's important to get clear on what ’best’ actually means; otherwise, it will be an endless, exhausting, and unrealistic endeavor to achieve it.”
In my own life, I now recognize that I have often twisted my “why”, and that two things can be true. I certainly did work on specific fitness goals because it helped me cope with anxiety and ward off depression. I worked on them because I enjoyed feeling strong to accomplish a fitness or running goal. I also worked on them because I didn’t like things about my body and believed I had to fix them. I worked on them to have a smaller body, believing this made me worthier as a person and to be the owner of a fitness business. I created many programs and services because I love to be creative. I also did this to because I believed without constant work and busyness, I had nothing else to offer. When my why was twisted and relied on shaming myself, I fell off the train the hardest, and ultimately moved further from my goals.
Looking back, in a chronic quest to “be better,” I was always at my lowest emotionally soon after I finally reached a lofty goal – because the target would inevitably move. And I would still be unworthy. There was also never any celebration – I’d be onto what I should do next seconds after crossing a finish line, stepping off the scale or after hitting “send” on a launch. The accomplishment was fleeting. It turned out that once I achieved X, Y, and Y — a void remained. How I felt about myself didn’t change, so I reasoned I would just have to work harder, take on something bigger and it would eventually feel different. When I reflect on these moments, I’m sad that I robbed myself from so much peace by staying on the train for misguided reasons, and I ultimately missed many quiet opportunities for self-acceptance when I was a perfectly acceptable person – and more. Harmon says the experience is a tricky balance.
“There’s a fine line here between self-improvement being healthy and it being a way to avoid being at peace with what is or who someone is” she said. “My recommendation is not to separate them ie. self-improvement can look like being more at peace, accepting and kind with what is/who someone is RIGHT NOW while also striving and working towards healthier or more helpful ways of thinking, being and doing.”
My self-growth journey is not one that will stop, but there are breaks now. When I do hop on the train, it’s with a different mindset. The ride has become less about asking: what’s wrong with me? how can I fix it? to how can I appreciate myself more? How can I help, support and inspire this girl right here, right now? It’s advice I doled out for many years before I took it myself. If I am mindful of this difference, and it’s rooted in my drive, I am also learning there is a balance to be had. I now use the determination that once was used to consume minimal food and to berate myself during “slow” runs to instead call myself out when other reasons beckon to dictate my course. Emphasis on the word my.
Unfortunately, any self-improvement journey doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We are constantly being influenced and conditioned by external chatter – and this can slow things down. Harmon reminds us that changing how we think can take time, but it is possible. “The key is becoming more mindful about the dynamic being that is YOU and understanding what is ultimately ’under the hood’ of your self-improvement including thoughts and nervous system imprints, then discerning if it's helpful or unhelpful in the long run,” she said.
I’m currently on a pretty intense professional growth train, but instead of forcing an unsafe speed rooted in fear and pressure and insecurities, I’ve been reminding myself that I am moving forward. You don’t have to go, go, go. You are going. There’s peace in that. And so, I stay on.