Growing Pains

Mom friendships can form fast and furiously. The dissolution, however, can be a slow burn. We dive into the murky water of figuring out your mom friends and friend-friends. 

It came on quietly. After years of a friendship, I began to notice a subtle distance growing between myself and my once inseparable friend. The cadence of our interactions slowly and gently became less frequent without a discernible cause. No dramatic falling outs or heated arguments marked the change; instead, it was a gradual fading – a soft dimming of lights in a room. Our once regular meet-ups with our then babies in tow, turned sporadic, and the familiar cadence of shared laughter became an infrequent “haha” bubble on text message, or a laughing emoji on a funny meme one of us may have sent the other on IG. There was a poignant sadness in the realization. Yet, amidst this quiet reflection, I found myself strangely complacent, almost accepting of the newfound space between us. It was as if we outgrew the friendship as our kids grew as well and though the distance felt sad, I wasn't driven to alter the course of our evolving connection…or lack thereof. A tad nostalgic, yet not quite ready to launch a friendship rescue mission. This is the quiet unraveling of mom friendship.

The Intensity of Early Motherhood  

In the early years of motherhood, our experiences can be intense – so intense that we might jokingly refer to having "PTSD" when reflecting on that time of our lives. The sleepless nights, up-the-back public diaper explosions, “is this normal?!” texts and shared coffee dates create bonds that feel unbreakable

As our little ones become not-so-little, we may find ourselves on a journey of self-discovery. The yoga pants and nursing bras that were once our daily uniform may start to feel a bit too mundane, and we might start to reach for the jeans instead. We begin to hit our stride again, at work and home, with hobbies and activities that were put on hold while we stepped into motherhood. Things we once were able to juggle all with ease  may not come easily to us anymore at first. Slowly but surely we recognize ourselves in the mirror again. Has anyone else had the “HEY I KNOW HER!” moment while seeing themselves in a photo?

As we step out of the weeds, it’s normal and expected that we begin to reassess our relationships. It's a time for reinvention, both for us and in some instances, the connections we've built. Therapist Kimberly Solo explains this is a normal experience for women especially as they emerge from the new mom trenches.

“There's no other time more than motherhood when we learn who we are and what we need from others,” she said. “When we come out of the fog and no longer need this round the clock support, we may wonder, are these relationships still what I need? When we have less time and energy to give, we become more selective with where we are going to spend our energy and time.”

The slow winding down of a friendship can feel awkward but Solo points out that saying goodbye doesn’t necessarily have to feel devastating or upsetting. “A lot of friendships end or evolve,” she said. “But people often don’t know how to manage the end. This can create a lot of anxiety. But saying goodbye and acknowledging the evolution is a way to honor the relationship.”

Friends of Convenience Versus Friend Friends

Mom friends often find each other through shared circumstances – kids in the same class, living in the same neighborhood or bonding over the mutual need for caffeine at the 8am Saturday sports game. These connections thrive and grow in the social circles that are dictated by kid centric events and extracurricular activities, creating a convenient camaraderie that's as dynamic as the school calendar. You know these types of friends in the context of the kids, but probably don’t know if they have any siblings, their favorite color or music taste. Would you call up your kid’s friend’s mom, Jane, to vent about your latest marital squabble or how your sister-in-law pissed you off at the last family birthday party? Probably not. Those conversations are reserved for your friend-friends.

Not every mom in the school pickup line has to be your confidante. It's perfectly okay to not be friends with the moms of your kid's friends. Quality over quantity is the mantra as we navigate the sometimes-tricky waters of schoolyard friendships.

On the flip side, "friend-friends" are the ones who knew you before the diaper bag, and baby reflux vomit-stained shirts became permanent accessories. These connections transcend the realm of motherhood, harking back to the days of late-night talks and shared secrets. They've seen you through different seasons of life, beyond the mom-centric world. These friends are the keepers of your non-mom identity. They may be old friends that remember the person you were before sleepless nights and nursery rhymes became the norm. These connections have deep roots in shared history, and they've weathered the storms of life beyond the playdate calendar.

Or, they could be friends you’ve made in the real world while returning to work and know you in the context as an individual, not with your children. You may also have met a friend during the early years of motherhood but for whatever reason, your kids didn’t hit it off or were different ages, yet your connection clicked and remained strong. This person likely would’ve been someone you befriended pre-kids and you found them after the fact. You want them in your life with or without kids – a friend friend.

Many moms in our recent social media survey recognized a shift in friendships as they emerged from the early years of motherhood. “I think when you have younger kids, you have mom-friends but as your kids get older and more independent you whittle it back to friend-friends,”one participant said.

Overall, the results confirmed this relationship theory exists even though it is a bit unspoken. The question posed was:

“Do you have mom friends and friend-friends?”

82% of those polled answered: “Yes, they are 2 separate categories of people to me”,

while 18%  responded “No (I have no idea what you are talking about).”

Embracing Seasonal Friendships

“These veteran moms may feel like they’ve done their time in obligatory social circles. Now, it’s their time to bask in the glory of genuine connections or relish the comfortability of not having to make so many damn friends. Liberation never tasted so sweet.”

Just like our kids outgrow those footie pajamas in the blink of an eye, we too can outgrow things – and even people. Life is a series of seasons, and so are friendships. Some people come into our lives for a specific reason or time, and learning to be okay with that is an art. It might be bittersweet, but embracing the ebb and flow of relationships is part of the mom journey. It’s also a way to take care of ourselves. As we get…older, our energy becomes a precious resource. We may start to question where we want and need to invest it. Gone are the days of spreading ourselves thin for every playdate and PTA meeting. It's a conscious choice as no-longer novice moms to direct our energy towards what truly matters. For instance, you may skip the Moms Club wine tasting and opt instead to stay in, watch Bravo marathons until your eyes burn with fatigue, crawl to bed, chew a melatonin like a Flintstone vitamin and pop in your TMJ night guard and knock out at 9:30pm. That may SEEM like a very specific example, but I have a feeling that most of our readers can relate. #SelfCare

Moms of older kids can feel that they’re in a season of not needing new connections that require small talk and social outings. These veteran moms may feel like they've done their time in obligatory social circles. Now, it's their time to bask in the glory of genuine connections or relish the comfortability of not having to make so many damn friends. Liberation never tasted so sweet.

2020: The Great Friendships Dealbreaker:

Ah, 2020 – the year that put friendships to the ultimate test. Some of us survived the gauntlet of the Zoom calls and virtual happy hours, while others faced a dealbreaker. Navigating friendships during a pandemic was no easy feat, and it left many of us reevaluating who we truly want by our side. Did the absence of seeing your girlfriends face to face make you miss them more? Or did some people who you would have otherwise considered to be close with fade into the background and become forgettable? Either way, one thing is for sure for better or worse- the pandemic changed our relationships, and ourselves.

“Covid gave us permission to have a smaller circle and fewer friends,” Solo explained. “It highlighted who we share value systems with- and expedited the process for a lot of women on weeding out who they have more and less in common with”

This was also a divisive time with emotions high and extra time spent scrolling our social media feeds, observing how others were dealing with this “new normal.” Many of us were wondering how everyone else seemed to be coping, and maintaining their relationships with others.

“Covid gave us permission to have a smaller circle and fewer friends,” Solo explained. “It highlighted who we share value systems with- and expedited the process for a lot of women on weeding out who they have more and less in common with. If we value safety and physical needs versus connection- we’re going to hang out with people who do too. Similar to the early days of motherhood, it was a time of fear and confusion, so it's a time of bonding based on our needs and values at that time.”

Teaching Our Kids by Example

We would never tell our kids to remain friends with someone toxic just because they always were. Length of time known cannot be the benchmark criteria for a solid friendship worth maintaining. As moms, we set an example by choosing quality, uplifting friendships – because our children deserve for us to teach by example.

“Being around people who you don't really connect with or care for is asking yourself to be disingenuous,” Solo explains. “Liking everyone is requiring you to not be connected to yourself. You're allowed to spend your time with who you want to as long as you're respectful and kind about how you approach it.”

If our child told us that they no longer enjoyed hanging out with a friend because they had completely different personalities and did not have anything in common, and generally left their hangouts feeling lousy- we would never say to them ‘Oh well, you have been friends with him since you were little, you have to stay friends anyway.”  If we would not force our kids to maintain friendships they have outgrown, why should we? If you have friendships that leave you feeling lousy after every interaction, and forced- it’s likely time to walk away.

So, here's to the journey of mom friendships – from intense bonds to rediscovering our identities. As we navigate the ever-changing landscape of motherhood, let's do so with introspection, grace, and the wisdom to choose friendships that light up our lives. Cheers to the moms who've been there for us whether it be for a season, or a lifetime.

Elise Cedrone is a nurse, writer and consultant. A proud mom to three boys, she enjoys reading all the global research and shopping all the Home Goods finds. Follow her on Instagram @cedronee_lise if you like to laugh and learn.