Does Divorce Need a Rebranding?

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*Some names are changed to protect the privacy of individuals interviewed. 

Avoiding divorce at all costs can be detrimental to women's mental health and quality of life. Yet, many delay the decision with the belief it will be a never-ending, expensive, and nasty fight. Family Law Attorney Jolee Vacchi shares what can drive these fears and what she sees as the reality in her daily work. 

In the last month, I’ve had two friends confide in me that their marriage is over. They’re unhappy, no longer in love and don’t see anything changing. However, they don’t intend to do anything about it. Although divorce is what they need, it isn’t a realistic option, they say. There are two tough options, and they both believe staying put is the better of the two. “I’d rather be mistreated and lonely than live in a studio apartment with my kids and struggle,” one tells me. 

While heartbreaking, Attorney Jolee E. Vacchi, the Founding Attorney of Foundations Family Law & Mediation, says this situation is common and one she often hears about when women meet with her for the first time.

“Usually when they come to me, there’s been a slow burn in their relationship for a while,” she said. “It's not usually some catastrophic event, but more a gradual decline. They’re overwhelmed and needing guidance to clear the fog. What I actually love doing is just educating them about the divorce process because often, they’ve only heard horror stories. I tend to compare it to how we tend to share horrible birth stories. You never hear about the good ones.”

Long battles and financial woes?

The horrors shared often involve lengthy, contentious battles. Vacchi, however, said the majority of cases are settled out of court, even when a divorce is contested. “This [a contested divorce] doesn’t mean you are doing a trial or long, expensive litigation,” she said. It just means you don't have an agreement yet, but you are starting the divorce process.” From there, mediation and settlement negotiations can begin, especially if you work with an attorney who believes these avenues should be the starting foundation. 

“I think, as a divorce professional, we should be trying to solve the problem and not escalating the situation of an already vulnerable and emotional population,” she said. “I think that's unethical. We should be trying to be part of the solution and not exacerbating the problems.”

Given the current economy, most families need two incomes to survive, and a divorce - complete with separate housing - doesn’t seem financially feasible. Sarah*, a mom of four who divorced her husband six years ago, says concern over finances held her back even though she knew her marriage had been over for a long time. “The money part was huge,” she said. “Especially when you are the stay-at-home mom and the finances are essentially in the hands and power of the one you want to leave.”

Vacchi says many women are unaware they can use marital assets to pay for a legal consult or retainer. If they can’t access marital assets, there is a motion that can be filed in court to address this. “If you have separate finances and your spouse has all of the money, there is a motion you can file to allow you to have equal levels of representation,” she said.

With interest rates higher than ever, Vacchi has also seen couples get creative when it comes to addressing the financial challenges related to housing, including delayed sales, living in separate areas of their shared home, or renting a small apartment so that the parents can rotate staying in the marital home (also known as a nesting agreement). And while women are more often the ones to pause careers to raise families, Vacchi says a support system (think your friends, family, divorce coach, therapist) can help you strategize when it comes to looking for work and childcare. “You just have to start walking, and the path appears,” she said. “That’s how it happens for everyone.”

The stigma

In addition to legal and financial concerns, there is a nuanced emotional component of divorce often exacerbated by societal expectations. *Jessica, who had been in a relationship with her husband for 20 years and had two young children, said shame and a change in family dynamics concerned her. “I was worried what our families would think,” she said. “And also the thought of no longer being part of my (ex)husband’s family, missing out on family gatherings and moments with my kids.”

Sarah felt pressure to keep up appearances and didn’t want her friendships to change – something she eventually realized was unrealistic. “I wanted to leave but chose to stay because I wanted to live as a happy family, the one that was portrayed on social media, the one everyone around us seemed to have, the one of my childhood dreams,” she said. “I had a fear that I would be an outcast among friends and was scared they would pull away from me. Divorce usually brings along drama, and understandably some people don’t want that in their lives. Many of my friendships did suffer because of it.” 

Vacchi says it can be frustrating that the stigma still exists, especially since half of the married population gets divorced, but she does believe that a reframe is possible. “It's such a common denominator and an experience for so many of us,” she said. “But it's still viewed negatively, instead of being celebrated as a big, bold decision and a life transition that is right for you.”

Fear of failure

While reasons for divorce vary, Vacchi has noticed a common culprit: the invisible load. “The level of burnout that comes with this on top of working and taking care of kids can be completely crushing,” she said. “And if you don’t have an equal or supportive partner, resentment builds and can easily compound any problems you’re already having.” In fact, Vacchi said women often tell her that getting divorced and being a single parent isn’t going to affect them much, as they already are doing almost everything anyway.  However, this doesn’t mean women are quick to throw in the towel. As the typical caretakers and problem solvers, women often feel the responsibility to fix their marriage, and when they can’t for reasons out of their control, they deem themselves failures. 

Sarah admits moving forward with divorce felt like admitting she had failed. “I didn’t want to be a failure at this thing called life,” she said. “I also stayed to survive because I didn’t have it in me to believe I was capable and strong enough to walk away.”

Another reason making it difficult to walk away? The unrealistic expectations set for a generation of women now embarking on midlife. With opportunities to “be anything” and “do it all,” a failed marriage can raise questions of what’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I keep it all? “In the majority of modern-day marriages, the stakes will always  be bigger for women, because we were taught that we can have it all and do it all,” Vacchi said. “These crushing expectations aren't realistic and can be damaging.”

Given all the challenges along away, is there life and happy endings after divorce? Vacchi, who is happily married herself, thinks so. “I'm totally for healthy marriages, and they are out there,” she said. “I have many clients who go on to find happiness or get remarried.” Sarah, now remarried herself, agrees. “The hardships were 110% worth it,” Sarah said. “There is light at the end of the tunnel if you just keep going. You will find happiness. The light will be worth every sleepless night, tear shed and penny spent.” 

Attorney Jolee E. Vacchi, the Founding Attorney of Foundations Family Law and Mediation Center, works with her clients to resolve family law conflicts, including divorce, as painlessly and peacefully as possible. The practice was created to be an intentionally different family law firm with a focus on resolving drama versus creating it. Learn more here.