All The Tinsel - And Tears

Writer Elise Cedrone explores grief and gratitude for those navigating a heavier holiday season

Ah, the holiday season, a time of joy, festivities, and those good ol' social gatherings. Let’s be honest, for us moms, the holidays are not all tinsel and gingerbread houses. For many, it's a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand, you've got the excitement of reuniting with family and friends, the mouthwatering anticipation of holiday feasts, and the jolly tunes playing on repeat. And possibly on the other ­­– the less celebrated holiday party guest: grief.

WTF is Grief? It’s a complex emotional response to loss, which can be triggered by various situations such as the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or any major life changes.

Picture this: you're at a cheerful holiday gathering, wearing your best festive sweater and trying to keep up with all the small talk, when suddenly, grief decides to crash the party. It's like that one relative who always shows up uninvited, making awkward conversation and leaving everyone feeling a bit uncomfortable. Grief can be the Debbie Downer in the room, making you want to trade your eggnog for something a bit stronger.

“In those moments, we are reminded that life is a messy mix of emotions. Just like trying to fit into your snug holiday sweater after one too many helpings of pie, it can be… uncomfortable. ”

Holding onto grief during the holidays can be heavy. It's a bit like being handed a sh*tty, dense holiday fruitcake – You are given something you really don’t want, but you may force a smile to keep up appearances, to be polite.  A well-intentioned gift, but let's be honest, it's not exactly the life of the dessert party.

I've learned that grief and gratitude often walk hand in hand, even during the holiday season. For me, this began with the loss of my son, Gabriel. It was immense and heartbreaking, one that left me asking, "Why me?" and wondering if I'd ever find gratitude amid the pain.

The holidays can be particularly triggering. Setting the table with one less placemat, or celebrating whilst maybe feeling guilt for other family members that you may be not be able to celebrate with, for whatever reason. Myself, I find myself getting extremely triggered during Christmas decorating. Carrying the massive plastic bin up the stairs from the basement every year, my stomach starts to sink. I can feel my mood get dark and twisty. My sons always begin to squeal and become energized by the sight of all the ornaments and yards and yards of faux pine garland and twinkle lights. Then come the stockings. The damn stockings. One for each of us in the family. 1,2, 3, 4…5.  My oldest son knows the little one is for Gabriel. My youngest son has not acknowledged it prior to this year, when he asked out loud, “who does this one belong to?” and my oldest explained. The pang in my heart was instant. They hung it up and continued decorating.

Grief can leave you feeling like “Things were not meant to be this way. Things should be different.” It’s normal to feel these types of emotions and at the same time feel so damn lucky for what you do have, and all the good in your life. But, here is your permission to lean into the acknowledgment of how hard the holidays can be, so many layers of emotions can coexist. Sing my holiday song remix under your breath. “Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa la la la f*ckkkkkkkkkkk”. Breathe, and keep going.

One important lesson I've learned is the danger of comparing grief. It's easy to look at someone else's pain and think, "My grief is smaller than theirs." But mourning is a deeply personal experience, and there's no hierarchy of suffering. Your grief, no matter how it compares to others', is valid. You can't put a "one size fits all" label on it. Your grief, no matter how it stacks up to others', is valid. If you lost your dog, parent, job, marriage - whatever it is, your feelings are legitimate.

Seriously. It's perfectly okay to feel the weight of grief for the missed moments, the dreams that didn't quite come to fruition, and the loved ones we've lost. It's also okay to embrace gratitude for the love of our families, the resilience within us, and the blessings life has given to us. Yes, you can grieve. I should have my three kids here. Truthfully, I must train my brain to piggyback on that thought and remind myself I have two happy and healthy kids earthside. Even if it can feel a little like faking it. Looking for grateful moments in the face of difficult circumstances takes practice. It's like recognizing that holiday fruitcake might not be everyone's favorite, but it has its place on the dessert table.

The holiday season can be a bit like a comedy of errors in this delicate dance between grief and gratitude. We're bombarded with images of picture-perfect moms with their families, and it can feel like we're expected to be in a state of perpetual bliss. Toxic positivity is a total thing, after all. However, for many of us, it’s no Hallmark movie, it's a time when the empty chair at the table or the absence of a loved one, or the end of past traditions can feel like a neon sign in an otherwise serene landscape. Blaring: “HOLLY JOLLY MY ASS”. Take inventory of the good in your life. Try to tally even the small wins you have had this year. Have you experienced losses? Maybe. But I would be willing to bet there are other relationships that grew via being forged in the fire. For me, some relationships grew distant when things got difficult. Other people who I would consider surface friends turned out to be those that I leaned on most when I had the blues.

Navigating the holiday season as a mom who is responsible for the *holiday magic* of your entire family can be challenging never mind if you also have the extra party guest around for all the festive fun. The constant pressure blaring in the ears of moms: “jingle all the way… JINGLE. ALL. THE. WAY!!!!” Here are some coping strategies I've found helpful whether you’re simply overwhelmed or overwhelmed with grief

Honor Your Feelings

It's crucial to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come your way, whether it's grief, anger, overwhelm or joy. Absolve yourself of the pressure to feel anyway and just let the feelings come. Your range of emotions are valid and will likely shine bright as Rudolph’s nose when you are feeling the holiday stresses, and it's okay to acknowledge them.

Create New Traditions/ Embrace the ‘New Normal’

Consider incorporating new traditions or rituals to honor memories of people or past years can be a beautiful way to keep the spirit alive during the holidays. If you are bummed you don’t have a big holiday dinner with family anymore, rethink what that could look like and still feel special and meaningful, throw a small dinner. It’s ok to do things differently, embrace the freshness of change. Hang the stocking for the missed family member. Make a cocktail that reminds you of Christmas memories. Watch Home Alone and say all the quotes you know by heart, steal some moments of levity. “Buzz… your girlfriend…WOOF!”

Growing up, my family always had big holiday gatherings. As the family grew older, moved away, etc., the holiday parties kind of fizzled out. It left me feeling a bit sad. Mourning traditions my kids would not get to experience- but now I host my own holiday celebrations. Sure, things are different. Different can feel “weird” at first. Sit with it. Honor it. Lean into change, that is where the growth happens.

Lean on Support

Reach out to friends and family who understand your journey. Don't hesitate to ask for support or simply someone to vent and hear you out when you need it. Asking for help not your thing? Mine either. Fun fact: hyper independence is a trauma response! Reach out to a friend for a dinner date or coffee and a walk. Sometimes just being around someone who fills your cup can cure a case of holiday ‘stressies and depressies.’

Give Back

Volunteering or helping others during the holidays can be a fulfilling way to find meaning and purpose, even amid grief. Donate your time to a local cause, or sort through all your gently used items in the home and do a major charity purge. Helping others is a great way to boost your own happiness.

Self Care Your Way

Take time for self-care during the holiday season.  I know, I know. I’m not saying book a spa day and put cucumbers on your eyes. Do small things for you. Moms give so much during the holidays (and… all of the other days). So, treat yo’self along the way. Buy the damn expensive smelly candle. Get new underwear. Take the long way home. Sit down to eat your lunch. Go to HomeGoods and rub your hand on every fuzzy throw blanket in the building. Blast Mariah Carey and sing so loud the neighborhood dogs howl. Whatever brings you joy, here is your permission to do it.

As the holiday season approaches, remember that it's okay to grieve and to find moments of gratitude. The dance between these emotions may not always be graceful, and that’s ok.

In the midst of the chaos, remember your strength. Moms are navigating the complex terrain of life, motherhood, and maybe even grief, and doing it while decking the halls, making core memories for the family and trying not to forget to savor every moment. It’s a lot. Feel and acknowledge the feelings, breathe, and cheer yourself (and other moms!) on.

Navigating the delicate balance between grief and joy during the holiday season is like decorating a Christmas tree, adorning it with both colorful baubles and cherished, weathered ornaments. Each piece, whether shiny and new or holding the echoes of years past, contributes to the beauty of the whole. If this resonates with you, the best advice I can offer is trying to find the balance between the joy of the season and the acknowledgment of the spaces in our hearts where grief resides, and maybe even offering it a seat at the holiday-feelings table…that is covered in all your seasonal HomeGoods finds.

Elise Cedrone is a nurse, writer and consultant who enjoys helping others navigate darker seasons with humor and heart. Passionate about holistic medicine and learning, she’s a nerd. But not like a regular nerd. A cool, stylish one (check out her gift guide here!) A proud mom to three boys, she enjoys reading all the global research and shopping all the Home Goods finds. Follow her on Instagram @cedronee_lise if you like to laugh and learn.