A New Dream
When Rebecca Turkel’s dream of living happily after with her soulmate disintegrated, she found herself on a new path and within a new culture — shaping a new dream she never knew could exist.
I landed in Malawi, a small country in eastern Africa, on the exact day my divorce from a man I had been with for 13 years was finalized— an ending and beginning all at once. As I got in the taxi to take me to my new home for the next six weeks, I thought to myself: what have you done?
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This story really begins with my parents. They met on the bus on the first day of eighth grade. That afternoon, my mother told my grandmother, “I met the man I am going to marry.” My parents began dating when they were 16 and married right after college. Living with this knowledge helped solidify my “fairy tale” dream of marrying my best friend and needing to find him, fast. When I was 17, I did just that.
John* was a bit of a bad boy wrapped up in a pretty package. He smoked cigarettes and pot and grew up in a mechanic shop. He was also incredibly smart and from early on in our friendship, we just fit together. We dated briefly in college and fell for each other very quickly. But I was freshly out of another relationship and “wasn’t ready to fall in love again.” John moved away for a few years, never finishing school and when he returned it was not long before we reconnected. The first night we spent together, I woke up in the morning and said, “I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
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John and I started to plan a life together. We started dating and there was rarely a night that we did not spend together. As time went on, we decided to live together and then I went back to school to become a physical therapist. John was working as a field engineer and started to travel on and off for work. We moved in with some roommates to be closer to my school and in reflection this was already the beginning of our demise.
John’s patterns of pot smoking and drinking were harder for him to control when we lived with and near other friends. He also got denied for a promotion because he did not have his bachelor’s degree (he totally could have done this job, and it was really frustrating for both of us). While all of this was happening, I was meeting new people and making connections in the PT world. Marriage kept getting pushed off and we kept dating and coasting along together.
After 10 years together, John finally proposed. I say finally because I was so focused on this milestone for us. In contrast, he felt like it was not a necessary step since we had been together for so long. There were so many red flags in the last five years of dating, but the thought of starting over with someone else felt so daunting. I knew this man; I knew what to expect and if he would simply become the person I knew he could be…we would have the perfect dream life where I got to marry my best friend. If you can already tell, this line of thinking did not end up the way I had hoped.
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The stress of planning the wedding began to seep into our relationship. John began to show signs of discontent and started making unilateral decisions (like quitting his job) that did not take our shared life into account. A time that was supposed to be the most wonderful became a time of depression and mental illness began to rear its ugly head. John began experiencing hallucinations and suicidal ideation. He began seeing a psychiatrist but the medications he started to take made him feel horrible. The doctor recommended we push the wedding off. But still, we went through with it. I thought if we can just get through this next step…oh how I was wrong.
Within the first year we got separated, then back together as we tried to salvage things. We loved each other so much, but sometimes love just is not enough. I realized that I would never have children with him due to his growing and untreated mental illness. I also realized that children were something that I did not want to go without. I know some women would have made a different decision. I sometimes still hate myself for “giving up” but I also know that I made the right decision to leave and file for divorce. My fairy tale dream was shattered.
Through a lot of therapy and self-forgiveness, I decided I needed a break from the day to day. I needed to stop driving by the place where we used to go to smoke cigarettes. I needed to quit smoking. I needed to reclaim my life and grieve. So, I decided to volunteer overseas. Really, I decided to run away. I found a company who arranged volunteers trained in pediatric physical therapy and sent in my resume. The first country to respond was Malawi. They offered me a volunteer position teaching at a university and supporting their pediatric clinical program for six weeks. My immediate response: “Let’s go.”
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I arrived in Malawi on January 15, 2018. By coincidence, the same day that my divorce was finalized. I felt like my whole life was about to end and begin at the same time. Saying goodbye to the life and relationship I had known and stepping into a new adventure. I spent the first two weeks crying every night in my room and quit smoking cold turkey. I met amazing people and students and saw a side of life that was so incredibly different from my own. Then there was Matinkho. He was a PT in Malawi who ran the clinical student program at the district hospital. He asked me out two weeks before I was to come home. I thought we’d have a fling and that would be it. By the end of the trip, the University offered me a full-time lecturing position and Matinkho asked me to come back.
Matinkho is a phenomenal teacher. Watching him work with students and impart knowledge in the clinical setting was captivating. He is also tough. He expected students to be in a constant state of bettering themselves. He believes that knowledge leads to wellness and wellness leads to longevity and health. John was very smart, but he always struggled to define himself and identify what drove him. Matinkho, on the other hand, was very clear about what and whom he wanted to be, “the most elite personal trainer in Malawi.” It also did not hurt that he is an incredibly handsome black man with six pack abs and brilliantly white smile, let’s be honest.
I felt like the Universe was speaking directly to me. Offering me a once in a lifetime opportunity to live and work and love in a different country. I did not know why I wanted to say ‘yes,’ but I wanted to say ‘yes.’ I realized that when my life ends and I look back on it, I wanted to say that I jumped. That I tried hard things and did not regret the choices I made. I realized the worst that could happen is that I didn’t like the job, we break up and I come back home. I moved to Malawi on August 11, 2018.
The first few months were hard. I cried, a lot. Matinkho asked if I was happy. I was completely home sick and missed my friends and my family so much. I was also learning to live a slower, more patient, kind of life. I made new friends. I was working out more and focusing on my health in a way that I never had before. I was a foreigner for the first time in my life. I was often the only white person in the room. I was learning how to exist in a brand-new way.
Matinkho and I moved things along very quickly. We moved in with each other. Although unspoken, we knew that we were going to get married one day and wanted to start a family. We also knew we wanted to start a business. I would have a pediatric physical therapy practice and he would have a personal training practice. We knew what it would look like in Malawi, but I knew that we would need to move back to the US. As an only child I knew my parents would need me around in the next few years. What would this vision look like in the US?
And then I got pregnant. Lena was born in April 2020 as the world shut down and COVID took over. I experienced giving birth in a collectivistic culture where our niece came and stayed with us for several months; helping with cooking and cleaning and the baby so that I could rest and heal. Even though I knew my mother would be incredibly helpful had we been in the States, I also knew that motherhood would have felt very different from all the stories of isolation that I had heard from friends and colleagues. After three months, we hired a live-in nanny to help us with Lena. Childcare is very affordable in Malawi and therefore much more common to have support in that way.
We had started the immigration process for Matinkho and he got certified as a Personal Trainer so that he could work in the States when the time came. Immigration had shut down because of COVID so we were waiting patiently and were so unsure what the future would hold. And then we got an email for his Visa appointment. He got approved and we found out we had six months to move to the US. We moved back to the US on September 11, 2021; just over three years since I had moved to Malawi.
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I began to think more about what my business would look like when we returned to the US. I wanted to focus, not just on pediatric PT, but also on supporting families. Although Early Intervention is an amazing service that exists for families, it is also limited by regulations and rules. Insurance also limits outpatient visits to clinics when some children and families really do need more long-term care. I wanted to create a business where I could truly meet a child and family where they are and provide an individualized service.
Warm Heart Parenting was born. Malawi is known as the Warm Heart of Africa. When we first returned to the US in September 2021, I returned to Early Intervention as it was and will always be my comfort zone. I incorporated the business in January 2022 and slowly took on private clients. After our son, Marcus was born in May 2023, I decided it was time to invest in the business more and shifted to more part-time work so that I could prioritize things. I am about to enter my fourth year of business and am gaining more and more clients each month. I currently offer Pediatric Physical Therapy and Craniosacral Fascial Therapy for children and adults.
But Warm Heart Parenting is so much more. It is a long-term vision of creating a community space where families of all walks of life can come for play, connection and education. A place that is inclusive, accessible and non-judgmental. I hope to be able to offer a play space, coffee shop, therapeutic services, parent groups, workshops and more. I can see myself standing in the space and welcoming you all in through the doors.
When I was in the depths of my divorce process, I did not know how my life would look. Leaving my marriage and letting go of the dream I had with my first husband was excruciating. It took a lot of therapy, tears, running away for a bit and opening myself up to love again to realize that although one dream may end; an amazing new dream can be born. One that is even larger than I ever thought it would be. Because I was willing to prioritize my own needs and take a chance.
Rebecca Turkel, PT/DPT, is a pediatric physical therapist, craniosacral fascial therapist, certified early intervention specialist, certified infant massage instructor, integrative breastfeeding educator, neonatal behavioral observer and energy healer. She has over 18 years of experience working with families and children in Early Intervention settings and at Boston Children's Hospital. She lives in Framingham, MA with her amazing husband and two children. You can learn more about Warm Heart Parenting here.
*Name has been changed to respect the privacy of individuals.