Can The Real Self Care Please Step Up?
Author’s Note:
Reading previous essays or posts I’ve written is often akin to hearing my own voice on the answering machine as a teenager (fellow elder millennials can relate), but every once and I while I write something that is as much for my community as it is for myself, and I find myself coming back to this one often. I was so honored when Antoinette asked me to share it with the Mama Beasts community, because if there’s anyone who needs and deserves true self care, it’s the mothers. A version of this post was previously published on my website and shared with my newsletter crew. If you’re not already on the list, I’d love to have you join (I promise to email you rather infrequently and always with a cute printable or playlist in tow).
WHAT *EVEN* IS SELF CARE?
I think, in the US at least, self care is seen as something shop-able— something with a price tag— something we think we need to throw money at *and* something that feels indulgent or selfish— likely because we’ve also been told self care is a woman’s thing. (Why? I’m guessing it’s because women are essentially doing the heavy lifting of what amounts to self care *for* men, but hey…)
But in my opinion, at least, most of what we can do to care for ourselves is less of a money or product thing, and more of an investment of time and energy. And a lot of that is digging into our attitudes towards ourselves and the way we talk to or interact with ourselves. And there’s kind of no getting around that hard stuff… and when you’re having a rough day, like— that inner work might be the last thing you want to be tackling. Which brings me to this other myth that self care is what you do when you’re having a low time, or an off day, or you’re frazzled, or burnt out. Is that when you probably need the most care? Of course. Is that when you’re the most able to provide that for yourself? Maybe — but likely not.
STOCKPILING SELF CARE
So that’s why I like to practice what I think of as stockpiling self care on the days when I do have a bit more energy, or patience, or time, or resources. This stockpiling of self care might look like:
Buying a few frozen pizzas or Trader Joe’s freezer meals to keep on hand — whether to feed myself or to give myself a night off from making a meal for my family
Sticking an extra trash bag in the bin, so that when I empty it— there’s already a bag there (this is so stupid, but the relief I feel is very real when I see that little bag liner waiting for me)
Clearing out a cluttered area of the home or tackling a similar project that’s been taking up both physical and mental space for me
Taking 10 minutes and schedule all my necessary doctor, dentist, haircut, auto care, vet, etc. appointments for the next few months
WHAT WOULD IT FEEL LIKE TO PARENT OR BEFRIEND YOURSELF?
Beyond tangible tasks and actions, self care is all about the relationship we foster with ourselves. Think about all the relationships you have with other people — friend, maybe partner, maybe parent, child, sibling, neighbor — and all the really good, healthy ways you show up in those relationships. Can you be those things and that person for yourself? Can you mother yourself in the best, healthiest, most life giving ways you mother other people? Can you listen to, support, counsel, and laugh with yourself in the way that you do with a dear friend?
Can you save some of your best interactions and energy for yourself? And not in a way that deprives your other relationships — but in a way that you consciously don’t deprive yourself. Can you feed yourself, for example, as well as you feed your family or roommates? I’m talking about meeting your own basic needs — but also how you talk to yourself, how patient you are with yourself, how curious you allow yourself to be, how forgiving you are with yourself, how you care for your physical body— all of this.
BUILDING YOUR SELF CARE PALACE
I also like to think of self care as having levels — there’s the gold standard (what I do to feel my absolute best version of myself), the baseline (what I need to feel comfortable, and what I can reasonably expect of myself on most days), and the basement (doing the absolute least, but it’s something).
Side note, but an important one, so I’m making it a bullet point: Something is better than nothing. And sometimes doing nothing *is* doing something — resting or saying no is making a choice and it can be a really safe, healthy, loving, restorative action.
I guess if we were going to see that basement and building analogy through, it would be penthouse, ground floor, and basement— so if you want to think of your self care routines in terms of a palace — it might look like this (let’s use getting ready for bed as the sample routine):
Penthouse: Full bedtime routine (skincare with maybe a couple extra steps, dental care, write out gratitude, read for 30 minutes, meditate, heating pad)
Ground floor: Wash face, moisturize, brush teeth, think of 1-2 things I’m grateful for, listen to calming sounds (for me, it’s crashing waves on my Hatch)
Basement: Use a face wipe, brush teeth, take a couple deep breaths
You can go through this exercise for all parts of your day — meals, movement, work routines, family engagements, how you navigate certain relationships — and ask yourself:
What’s the ideal situation?
What is enough?
What is your sort of bare bones/lowest spend of energy situation?
IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT (with a few caveats, obviously)
Answering questions like those above, and setting up systems for yourself, will come from simply knowing yourself and trusting yourself… and this takes practice. I’m nearly 42 and I’m still finding ways to surprise (and sometimes concern) myself…
Knowing what makes us feel good, and (assuming it doesn’t harm yourself or others) leaning unapologetically into those things, is excellent self care. I quite literally keep lists of things that make me feel great (sometimes not immediately, but still)— it’s silly but I swear it helps. Want to see a few of those things?
Quiet time (like, going to bed very, very early and reading or scrolling on my phone in the dark without self-judgment)
Meditation (even/especially when it’s hard)
Cute ice cubes
Reading whatever I want + not finishing books/articles that aren’t doing it for me
Having one empty shelf or drawer (and freeing up visual clutter, in general)
Sound machine/wakeup lamp + two fans + one heating pad + my favorite body oil + a generally extra bedtime routine
Nature/outside time
Comfort reads (or shows or podcasts)– what interests me (i.e. politics + crime) is not always what makes me feel good– so this is its own category (think Smartless and Derry Girls)
Maintaining baseline systems (for example: the things. I almost always have in my bag, car, and pantry– and enough to share because being prepared to swoop in for other people is the ultimate for me)
Hiding cash + mints + other surprises for myself in various drawers and pockets
And yes, some of the things on my list have an add to cart vibe— but it’s really the intentionality, the preparing baseline quality experiences for the days when we only have basement energy, of sharing the best parts of ourselves with ourselves — that are at the heart of all of this.
Take good care.
xx Elizabeth
Elizabeth D’Ascensao is the creator of On Tap For Today and an all-around amazing human who always kindly supports all the random creative endeavors I attack her with. Follow her Boston and Cape Cod adventures in the most peaceful and dreamy Instagram feed here. It’s truly a form of self care and on my list of things that make me feel great.